The day after my oncologist called, the cancer clinic here called. My first IV chemotherapy appointment is April 12th. I see the GPO the day before. I will be getting chemo once a week.

I’m still working on processing it. I’m devastated that I’m going to lose my hair. Again. I’m worrying over the other “possible” side effects too. Of all the horrible things I’ve had to go through in this life, chemo is the one that I can still feel like I did then. It’s horrid, scary deadly stuff. I often wondered if I was ever going to come out the other side with any resemblance of what feeling “normal” was like. With any luck, I’ll be able to tolerate it better this time.

My sister was here and brought some pink hair dye. We put a streak of pink in her hair (“For my sister!” She said with a big smile on her face.) Today I put a whole bunch of pink streaks in mine. What the hell, if I’m going to lose it I may as well have fun with it while I can.

This all just really sucks.

Talked with my oncologist today and as I suspected, the Fulvestrant isn’t working. No more injections to the butt.

He’s setting me up for chemo in the next couple of weeks. He’s also setting me up for a bone biopsy to get a clearer picture of the type of cancer I have. I’ve never had a biopsy for the metastatic diagnosis. There’s a chance I can skip the chemo and try a new drug that is “showing promise “, but it depends on the HER2. He was going to schedule me for radiation but I said I didn’t need it. At this point my pain is manageable. He’s still going to get a radiologist to look at my scans.

The chemo would be weekly (paclitaxel?) aaaaand I get to lose my hair. Again. To me that is still the worst of all the side effects. I make a huge effort to not look like I have cancer. This won’t help. And I donated my wig when my hair grew back the first time I had chemo.

I may not be looking forward to the chemo but the biopsy scares the beejeepers out of me.

I asked about my longevity and after a bit of back and forth and me explaining that I can pull from my life insurance if I’m within a 24 month window. “That’s fair” he said. “24 months is a fair assumption.”

Why is it that treatment used to stop/diminish something that is trying to kill me has to hurt the rest of me and slowly makes me feel worse? When will they come up with something that works like an antibiotic where you slowly feel better?

Woke up Saturday with a bladder infection. Called a pharmacist to see if they could give me something for it. Nope. Picked up good old cranberry juice. It helped but didn’t get rid of it. Called my dr this morning and he’s away until Friday so off to Emergency I go. Again.

ER visit took only 45 minutes instead of the usual 4 hours! I’m on antibiotics for the next 3 days.

I have a phone appointment with my oncologist tomorrow afternoon so am going to bring this up. Having 2 UTI’s in the last 3 months is not a coincidence since the last time I had one was forever ago….20 to 30 years at least. I’m pretty sure the Fulvestrant is causing them.

I got the results from both of these mid-week.

Wonder of wonders, my cancer antigen is only up 28 points. my CT reads as “unremarkable“ for the most part. Lots of big words I just don’t feel like trying to interpret at this point. There was, however, mention of Mets in some soft tissue but I can’t figure out where.

Talking to my therapist last time, she says I’m going through yet another grieving process. She suggested instead of facing the nothingness of the abyss full on, then turning completely away from it because it’s too scary to face, I should teach myself to stand sideways to it. I’ve been working on that. I’m not ready to face the abyss just yet, but it is right over my shoulder

Was able to finally see my bone scan results while waiting for my dr to get my injections. It’s not good.

I’ve never seen the words “increased in geographic size and intensity” before but was expecting this. Those areas of my body have just been feeling different, hurting easier, and making me feel more uncomfortable. What surprised me was the right tibia. I wish they showed measurements for me to compare.

My dr asked if I still wanted the injections. When I asked his opinion, he agreed that they don’t appear to be working but was hesitant to stop them without my oncologist’s says so. so I had them. My right butt cheek is burning!

My neighbour took me and on the way home she kept telling me to be positive. I’m beginning to think people say that out of fear. Thinking realistically is too scary.

Now to wait for bloodwork and CT results on Tuesday.

Will be interesting to see what my oncologist says….