For some reason I’ve been thinking about this.  A lot.  You know those would you rather questions like:

Would you rather live without the internet or live without AC and heating?

Would you rather thirty butterflies instantly appear from nowhere every time you sneeze or one very angry squirrel appear from nowhere every time you cough?

What I’ve been thinking is would you rather be hit by a bus and die instantly or get terminal cancer, knowing you’ll probably die in the next 5 years but don’t know exactly when? 

One of the conversations I tend to have with people is the bucket list one.  That I should do my bucket list before I can’t anymore.  I should do all the things I want to do before I die.  My question to you is, why wait until you have a terminal illness to really live your life?  Why is that the guage we use to say “Ok, now I need to do all the things I’ve wanted to do.”

Life is for the living.  Make the memories before you have a terminal illness or before you get hit by a bus.  Make them now when it matters, not as an afterthought to the end of your life.  Make them while you still have time to look back on them, not when time has run out and they lose their significance.  Don’t put things off because “there’s always next year”.  You might not get the chance to have a next year.

A year ago I did my last shift at work and left on disability.  The decision to do that took me months to make.  I loved my job.  Was it the right thing to do?  Couldn’t I suck it up and keep working?  ..through the pain and the fatigue and the endless appointments…  One morning I woke up and thought, who am I kidding?  Me working wasn’t doing anyone any good, including me.   So I took the steps to leave.  And I was devastated.

After I left, for about the first 6 months, work was the second thing I thought of when I woke up, I’d do a body check, make sure there wasn’t any new aches and pains then think about work.  Some days I felt guilty because I thought I could still work, I should be working.  No one could see the cancer growing in me.  I still looked normal.

A year later, I know I made the right decision.  My brain doesn’t always work fast enough, especially if I’m stressed or tired, and I can’t sit in one place for too long or my hip starts bugging me.  If I have something to do that I need to concentrate on, even something as simple as my crocheting, I try and get it done before noon because after then my brain doesn’t behave and I get real tired real fast.  Most days I am napping by 1pm.  If I don’t nap I rarely stay up past 9pm.

Back then, I still hadn’t really come to terms with having MBC. I didn’t want cancer to defeat me and a part of me thought if I continued to work, I could stave off it’s progression.  Thought processes can be weird sometimes.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m still fighting the progression,  I’ve just come to terms with the fact that I’m not “normal” and can’t have a “normal” life and do all the things “normal” people do.   I have to constantly make adjustments to appear normal.  I don’t want to use the “cancer card” and so far, outside of my family, I haven’t had to.

It’s been a year and I  still miss work.

I’ve always liked butterflies.  When computers were new and Windows 3.1 was THE operating system, I used the nickname “Butterfly” when I chatted.  I wanted butterflies released at my funeral or wake or whatever I decide to do when I die, but they only sell them between May and September from what I’ve researched.  Can’t really count on that…

Today a friend took me to Krause Berry Farms & Estate Winery (the waffles were awesome!) for their 6th annual butterfly release.  The money is donated to the Langley Hospice Society so not only did I get to release a Painted Lady but it is for a good cause.  Too bad it was raining or I would have stuck around longer to take pictures of them.