Got my dates mixed up. A dr came today to do the first M.A.I.D. assessment. She told me how it works. The drugs they use and what happens to me. We discussed my life and my feelings about death and dying. Oh, and she called me wise.

I can choose any day and time including “tomorrow” if I want. I can cancel it at any time. There will also be a form for me to sign that if for whatever reason, I lose my mind, my sister can request the process. I still need to be assessed by another health professional for my request for M.A.I.D. to be completed.

It give me a feeling of relief to have this in case I need it.

My palliative “team” was here yesterday. The dr has phoned in a prescription for antibiotics and Home Care will be giving me a lab req. and a sample bottle just in case I have another bladder infection.

They have also registered me for palliative care with BC Med meaning a lot more drugs will be covered by them, as well as equipment and wound care stuff.

She has also stepped in to help get the M.A.I.D. on track after being ghosted by the one dr. A dr should be here Thursday to interview me.

The last couple of days I’ve been having weird bladder issues. Urine was discoloured, couldn’t tell if it was red or brown and only in the morning and at night. So first and last pee. I really wanted to wait until tomorrow, after the holiday to go to emergency but today it started to hurt to pee.

My awesome neighbour dropped me off at emergency about 2:30pm and picked me up about 8:30pm. 6 hours to give a urine sample and get a prescription for antibiotics. Not bad…

Turns out the drugs they gave me for my last bladder/UTI infection made me susceptible to the bacteria that caused this one. Just my luck.

My oncologist called today. I have a 3 mm tumour starting in one of my lungs but this cancer is terrorizing my bones. He talked about doing a bone biopsy again. Then he talked about chemo. And the side effects. Initially I said I needed to talk to my sister but ultimately turned it down too. There’s no guarantee it would work either. The best I could hope for is it slowing the progression. When I thought about it, putting more side effects on top of how I feel now just doesn’t make sense.

I won’t have access to the scans I did last week for another 2 days. I’ll know then if there’s other areas that have tumours thatI need to be aware of.

He says that I know my body well. Just gotta watch for weight loss and loss of appetite. No more scans. I can call him if I change my mind about treatment or he’ll call me in 4 months. Did I have a good family doctor? Yes. I also told him I’m under the care of a palliative team.

Part of me is relieved. Treatment for cancer is hard. Treatment for cancer for 6 solid years was really hard. Not only does your body suffer but so does your mind. The stress and anxiety on top of the treatment is at times just mind numbing. The other part of me hopes I’ve done enough, that I’m not just giving up.