I never really know when they’ll start or how bad the side effects will be. Tonight my scar is starting to tighten up. The heartburn is getting to me. I’m tired from a bad sleep again. For some reason the steroids really mess with my sleep. My knees have hurt straight thru from the last chemo so I don’t know if they’ll get worse or not. Tomorrow will be the day that it all really kicks in.

3rd chemo was today. So I now also have what’s called ‘moon face’. My face is starting to swell, especially around my left eye. It and the knee pain that is noticeable, still, and the heartburn I now have are all side effects that apparently will all go away after the chemo. They can’t tell you how much after, just after. I only gained one pound (happy dance) between my last weigh in and this one. I’m still up about 15 lbs and may gain more. It’s the steroids that are making me eat so much and since I’m taking them longer to cut down on the bone pain, well, it’s another trade-off.
I had a really nice chat with one of the nurses today about what they do to help us chemo patients. They make it all so easy. They don’t poke and keep poking, they’ll get someone else to try inserting the I.V. if they don’t make it on the first try, they laugh and make jokes and they don’t treat me like I’m dying or weird or different. They remembered who I was the 2nd time I was there. And I told her all that. And thanked her for making it all easy and comfortable instead of this terrifying ordeal, which it really is. She’s not going to be there for my last treatment so she gave me a big hug goodbye.

Today had bumps in it. Nothing went off smoothly. Pay parking at the hospital for my blood tests. A woman asked me in the parking lot to trade coin for bills, it’s $3.75/hr. I was gonna just pay for her cause all I had was $8. Went to pay and the coin part was broken. The woman ended up paying for me with her credit card. Went to the lab and there was 6 or 7 people ahead of me, they were short staffed. It took an hour to get a tube of blood taken where normally it takes maybe 15 minutes. Then on to get my nails done and I just made it in time. The nail tech who I’ve gone to at least once a month for the past 4 years didn’t recognize me without my real hair. When she realized it was me she asked “no your hair?” (she’s Vietnamese). Half way thru getting my nails done, she cut me with the nail file. She has only cut me 2 other times that I remember. I have to be careful of cuts and stuff. Luckily it wasn’t deep and only bled for a second.
All these little things adding up make me very nervous about tomorrow. And almost give me reasons not to go, I’m always looking for those. Good thing my sister is coming with me again.

My knees still hurt. It’s only when I walk too far or straighten them out. I can’t decide if it’s lingering effects from chemo or if I’ve turned into a human weathervane. I’m hoping it’s the latter because next week the pain in them will increase.

Somehow I managed to get through the day without realizing it. It’s now nighttime and I’m not sure how I got here without seeing the rest of the day. I’ve obviously spent it ‘in my head’ as the saying goes. The only thing I remember and keep coming back to is how long it’s going to take to grow my hair back to the length it was. Apparently hair grows about 6 inches a year. That means it’s going to take me at least 2 1/2 years to get it back. That’s not nice when looked at that way 😦 I hate short hair on me.

I’ve got 3 sleeps before the cycle starts again. Blood test on Monday and I start my steroids that day. 4 sleeps till chemo. And I’m getting a little panicky. I don’t like needles and I don’t like knowing how things are going to go for the next couple of weeks. It’s ‘today’ that I start fighting the panic, and try to stay calm. Today has gone by too fast for me which means the next few days will too. 2 more treatments and I’ll be done with chemo and on to radiation. Maybe radiation. I won’t know about that until January. All this waiting for everything is hard too.

This whole cancer treatment thing is doing a number on my body. I knew it would, but for some reason I didn’t think the changes would feel or in my eyes, look so drastic. The hair loss. When that happened I got a little afraid. Oh, I was warned I would lose it but it’s definitely a beacon for anyone to be able to point and say ‘cancer’. Which I wanted to avoid. The fatigue. I get tired so easily. I’m still tired and my legs are still sore from shopping yesterday. The wrinkles and bags under my eyes. My skin has dried out. Never in my life have I had dry skin, it’s always been oily. Now I’m using moisturizers and different cleansers. And the wrinkles and on my face have become more pronounced. I think I finally look my age, or older. I don’t like it. My taste buds. They have dulled. I don’t taste food the way I used to which sucks cause I love to cook but now there seems to be no point. There isn’t anything that stands out taste-wise anymore. Every thing I’ve read or been told says these things ‘eventually’ go back to normal after treatment is finished. So I’m hoping sometime next year I’ll have energy and my hair will grow back and food will taste fantastic again.
Some things that haven’t happened to me which I expected are the vomiting and weight gain. I’ve only gained about 5 or 10 lbs (yes pounds, I’m not a metric person) and I expected to gain more. I think these pounds are mainly from inactivity. Mind you, both surgery and chemo cause the inactivity.
So taking inventory and trying to find the good in all this, I think not vomiting and little weight gain are positive. As long as there’s stuff in the positive column I can keep stepping forward through this.

My long term disability has been approved. I won’t have to worry about it now. It’s kinda convoluted in a way, it starts before my short term ends based on how they do the waiting period so there will be deductions, but that was expected.
I went grocery shopping today for bigger items, coke was on sale, kitty litter, bottled water and was tired by the time I got it all out to my car. I made 3 trips from the car to my apartment and left the bottled water in the car. I was far too tired by then to even think about making another trip. I guess even when I feel good I’m still gonna have to tone it down a bit because my body doesn’t feel as good as my mind.

I spent most of the today with my sister. We did some Christmas shopping and some shopping for her. For big parts of the day I forgot that I’m in the middle of chemo treatments and that I had breast cancer. I am looking forward to whole days of being able to forget. It was a good day.

I was told I wouldn’t get my period again while on chemo. They lied. I was looking forward to not getting it, a small bonus if you will, for going thru this crap.
I went shopping for jeans this morning cause I need them. Tried on 2 pairs, realized I don’t know what size I am anymore, got discouraged and decided I’ll buy them when I’m thru with all this cancer treatment. While I was in the store, a guy looked at me and smiled. I ignored him and turned away, thinking if he saw the real me, the smile would be a grimace so why bother. Obviously something new to get over. I was feeling sorry for myself so stopped at the casino on the way home. Won some money so a bad day turned into a good day after all.