Finally broke down and asked my GP for some anti-anxiety meds. He asked me if I was depressed. Am I? I don’t feel like I am but who am I to diagnose that. All I know is I couldn’t take the knot in my stomach anymore and the panic that accompanied any thought that included leaving my apartment, driving, shopping, cancer, visiting with people, even taking this new drug…basically life.

I kept thinking I could get a handle on this on my own but too much has happened to me and around me that is so overwhelming. Too many deaths of people and pets I know on top of living with MBC and never knowing when it will take over my body again. Hurting my back. COVID. Couldn’t take it on my own anymore.

Zoloft covers panic attacks, anxiety, PTSD, OCD and depression and I took the first one today. Please work your magic.

Tuesday night I felt a tiny pop in my back. Wednesday I woke up in excruciating pain when I moved. I was supposed to pick up groceries curbside and they were kind enough to hold them for me even though I gave them hardly any notice. Walking more than 4 or 5 steps would cause spasms and tears. As would getting to a sitting position or standing or bending to feed my cat.

Thursday I woke up feeling a little better, I could walk more than 5 steps without spasms so decided to get my groceries and another curbside order I’d placed for yarn. Wrong thing to do. Went from the grocery store to the ER. By then I wasn’t sure if I’d pulled something, cracked a rib or there was something up with my kidney.

Turns out I pulled a muscle or ligament or tendon by my spine according to the ER Dr, the pain is localized-he was able to find the spot first try. He was happy that I’d had a CT so close to this that he could access to help assess what was going on now. He said I should go in when something like this happens especially because of my situation.

Today I was feeling a little better so decided to wash my hair. It really needed it but I sure didn’t need the pain to ramp up again. The ER Dr has given me a prescription for anti-inflammatories but I haven’t filled it yet. I just can’t go through the pain it’s going to take to get it filled at a pharmacy. I know that the pain will subside over time so I’ll rest and if I’m not feeling better by Monday I’ll get it filled.

I really don’t need this right now. Seriously.

About a week before scans or bloodwork and before my next oncology appointment I am always really anxious. I don’t like needles so getting blood drawn and hoping they get the catheter in for the contrast dye for the CT scans is always nerve wracking for me. I pace, I cry, I have a harder time than normal sleeping, I do the comfort food thing. I try and find a way to get out of having these appointments. I’m always fighting my flight response-I’m not a fighter. It’s exhausting.

After the appointments, I come down off of these anxiety rides right in to depression. To me it’s a mild depression, but who knows. Even a so called “good” appointment with the oncologist isn’t safe from this. I waffle back and forth from wanting some sort of a change in my situation to it staying the same. From when will the tests show progression damn it! I’m not sure how long I can keep doing this! to I’m so glad nothing has changed, I can live with it like this.

Once I’ve gotten through all the internal arguments, for and against progression that seem to occupy my mind for most of my waking hours, I level off to what has become my normal. I just am and I just be and I let each day happen as it will.

I tell ya, the mind games having MBC plays on you are endless and exhausting and getting to that level place isn’t easy but I get there.

I didn’t get my numbers from my oncologist today. My scan is still not showing significant change and he’s not changing my drugs so I’m going to assume the numbers are ok. He says my next appointment is in January but 12 weeks is the end of December so I’m sure it’ll be a back and forth with his receptionist when she calls to book it.

I told him about the pain being back and he didn’t seem surprised. He has told me to be careful walking and lifting heavy things. My bones aren’t strong enough especially since they were radiated. If the pain returns and doesn’t go away I’m to call him.

I’m starting to have a love/hate relationship with these appointments. On the one hand I love that I’m still having them. That means I’m still here. On the other hand, I know I’m riding a fine line between good and not good so I hate waiting for the hammer to drop. These appointments always dictate my next few months of life and after almost 3 years, I’m starting to hate them too.

Had to get my bloodwork done at the hospital today. There were 9 people ahead of me even though I was there shortly after they opened.

I met a woman there that also has MBC but more advanced and a different strain than mine. She was given 24 months about 8 months ago. She’s doing chemo and it’s shrunk her tumours so she’s thinking she may beat the 24 months. We decided one of the WORST things about this disease is not ever really knowing how long you truly have. It’s all a guess.

We compared side effects and how they affect our lives and though we are on different medications, it’s all pretty much the same. We talked about being human pincushions and the buzz words people say to us (brave, strong, you can beat this!) and how it was nice to talk to someone who gets it. She’s upset she won’t get to do her bucket list because of COVID although she did get a puppy 🙂

We got really sad together and we laughed together and for 30 short minutes I felt understood without fear of scaring someone or making them think of my death or theirs. I’m would like to think she felt the same way. I really hope she beats the 24 months.