All the hospitals seem to have volunteers. I see them lurking around when I’m there. They wear these teal coloured vests with a Volunteer patch on them and some have badges on lanyards around their necks. I’m not sure what their purpose is. Twice while I’m waiting for radiation they’ve asked me if I want a glass of water or a warm blanket. Today I was alone in the waiting room and again a volunteer who looked about 20 asked if I wanted a warm blanket or glass of water. I said no thanks, then she sat down beside me.
She asked me about my nails, lots of questions about my nails. She mentioned it was supposed to snow, I said I hoped not because I have to drive so far. Then the questions really started. “Where do you live?” “How long have you lived there?” “Where did you move from?” (She thought Campbell River was back east) “Are you married?” “Have any kids?” “Any roommates?” “Why did you move here?” “Is your sister married, does she have kids, how long as she lived here, why did she move there, where were you born….” It was about here that the tech came out and said they were ready for me but no rush. I rushed…LOL When the tech laughingly said I must really wanna get the radiation done, I told her why I’d rushed.
My point I guess is don’t they have courses for volunteers? Aren’t they taught what is and is not appropriate? This girl’s questions were a tad too personal for my taste. I probably should have stopped her but that would have been mean and frankly, it’s hard to feel aggressive enough to do something like then when I’m sitting in a hospital gown.
The tech said next time I’m alone in the waiting room I should talk to myself or make weird faces to keep people away. She said I may end up with the waiting room all to myself more often that way. The techs are too funny! At the end of my appointment she said she’d told the volunteer to leave..LOL I don’t know if she really did that or not.

I’m halfway thru my radiation. Everyone from the doctor I saw today to the techs are very impressed with how well I’m doing. I’m just starting to turn red. Radiation treatment can be much like getting a really bad sunburn. They expected me to have blisters by now. Personally I’d prefer to get a sunburn from the actual sun instead of radiation. As long as I keep up with the lotion and saline cold packs, maybe I’ll be ok. Apparently the fatigue will really kick in over the rest of the radiation. I’m almost getting used to being tired all the time 😦
I felt alert enough and the weather was good enough that I went into work today to visit. It always feels good to go there. I so can’t wait to get back to work, even if it’s only a little bit at a time.
I got my prescriptions from the doc today for the prosthetics and mastectomy bra. I wasn’t prepared for them to be as expensive as they are. I haven’t met my deductible with Pharmacare yet and my insurance will cover about a third of the final cost. I guess I gotta increase my ‘clothing’ budget every year now. I go for a ‘fitting’ Saturday and the woman sounds really nice who’s going to be helping me. I’m gonna have boobs again! Or should I say foobs?

Driving to Abbotsford every day gives me too much time to think. Being at home I can concentrate on the computer or the TV or anything else. Driving I have nothing to do but listen to my thoughts. Not even playing my music at a deafening volume can drown them out. The last few days they’ve been playing the same loop over and over.
Now that I have no stitches and no more surgeries, now what? There’s no pain to try and overcome, no new ‘experience’ I need to prepare for. All there is is me, boobless, hairless. I can’t handle implant surgery again, not any time soon anyway. It was too painful and I’m so over being in pain. Frankly I can’t handle the implants. The one I had never felt right, but the ‘look’ would have been there. And I so wanted the ‘look’. And I would have put up with the way they felt for the ‘look’. Now I have to find a new ‘look’, prosthetics. (I’ve never liked that word). At least with implants they would have been part of my body. Prosthetics come off. My outward appearance will be ok, but I’m not sure of the inside yet. I think because now I’m permanently ‘flat’ I may be mourning the loss of a part of me that I’ll never get back, not even superficially.
I wonder too, has this experience with cancer changed me? Am I more fearful or more bold? Am I more cynical or more happy-go-lucky? Will I have more empathy for people in crisis or less? If I’m really lucky I may not have changed at all.
Then while I’m driving, trying to drown out my thoughts I become overwhelmed by all that has happened to me because of cancer, knowing that it will never really be gone from my mind. I’ll have hormone therapy for the next 5 years or so and lots of follow-up appointments to remind me. And every morning when I wake up and remember that I’m boobless, I’ll be reminded. Life as I knew it is definitely over and I’m slowly working at fitting myself into this new one I was given but did not want.

My stitches are out. Yea! I have to go back and see him in 8 weeks.
I got real sad driving to radiation today. It was nice and sunny and warm out, and I realized that I’ve lost a year of my life. I don’t remember being hot in the summer or cold in the winter. This last 8 months has been nothing but a pain filled blur. And I never realized how much I liked having different seasons until today.
I thanked the radiation techs today for helping me feel good every day just by the way they are. I go to them all broken and in pieces and they joke and laugh with me like there’s nothing wrong and I usually leave with a smile on my face. I thought they needed to know that.

So Aunty H, you win. These night sweats are getting annoying. Not only that but I’m not sleeping at night again. For the last 3 nights I’ve been awake every couple of hours, just like when I was getting chemo. And it’s made me grumpy.
It was a horrible drive to Abbotsford today. Raining really bad, and lots of traffic. The parking lot was full and it took me 15 minutes of driving around to find a spot. Then sat around and waited for 55 minutes for the Dr to see me after radiation. Same one as last week, and it will be the same was next week and the week after that. She walked in the room calling me ‘Mrs”. Was I impressed? The radiation is going well(?). I’m not blistering which has everyone impressed for some reason, but am a little red in spots so they did give me a little blue plastic bowl, gauze and saline to do a cool compress. The same kind they gave my mom last year. Supposed to help with the redness I guess. Lotion 3 times a day, compresses 2 times. Oh and heartburn fills up the time in between.
Tomorrow I get my stitches out.

When I was walking from the hospital parking lot this morning I saw a woman wondering around. Turns out she lost her car. She said she’d been there 3 times already today and just couldn’t remember where it was. I tried helping her find it but they’ve got the numbering system there so whacked out that I wasn’t really much help. I went up to pay for mine and helped this little old couple with the machine. While helping them, the parking attendant they have there finally showed up and thanked me for helping them. I told him about the lost lady in the parking lot so he sprinted off to help her. My good deeds for the day?
I also found out today that I’ve only put on about 3000 kms on my car since last May. That’s even with lending it to my sister for a week. Poor car. Never gets to go anywhere. I’m sure making up for it now, driving to Abbotsford and back every day.
So this was my first full week of radiation and the only down side is the daily drive. I don’t have any blisters yet, but the techs keep a close watch on that. I am really tired tho. I’m suspecting it’s part driving and part side effect. My appointments are all of about 12 minutes, and more often than not, I’m in and out earlier than my appointment time. The techs are awesome. Even tho I get really uncomfortable there, they do make it easier. They seem to continue conversations they’ve started with me the day before, making me feel like I’m not really a stranger. And they always get me a warm blanket 🙂 They’ve got AC running in the room to keep the big machines cool. They all really like my tattoo and either comment on it every day or sneak looks at it.
Overall, it’s been a fairly good week. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I noticed this morning that the hair on my legs and eyelashes is growing back. Oh it’s taking it’s sweet time but it makes me feel better knowing it’s making an effort.
I met with another doctor after my radiation today. I guess I see her once a week till I’m done, then see the original radiology doctor. This one today seemed to be in an awful hurry to get me out of the room. Not sure what her role is but she did ask if I was doing ok and checked my chest out to make sure I wasn’t blistering or burning. I did ask her about the hot flashes. She said they’d normally give people hormone pills for that but can’t give them to me because of my breast cancer being hormone driven. They can give me fake ones but “frankly” she said, they don’t really work. No problem, I’m not minding these and can tough it out.
I was in the grocery store this afternoon and a woman of about 65 or 70 almost bumped into me with her cart. She apologized then stopped and said “You are so pretty!” I thanked her and kept walking. My family and friends have been telling me that from the start of this cancer business but for some reason it takes hearing it from a complete stranger for it to carry any meaning. This stranger didn’t know anything about me nor what I’ve been through and she made my week.

I’m a shy person, always have been especially around people I don’t know or barely know. This whole experience has added a new level to it. First I had to drop my top for strangers when I had boobs and I found it to be a very uncomfortable situation. Oh sure, they’re professionals, doctors, but that didn’t make it any easier. Now not only am I hairless (I have to take my wig off for radiation), but boobless too and still dropping my top for strangers. These are the radiation techs and so far there’s been a new face every time I’ve gone. And I’m finding it all a bit humiliating. Yup, I know they’ve seen it all before, but that doesn’t make it any easier for me.
This morning before leaving my place for the appointment I was stressing out. It took me until my drive home for me to realize it wasn’t from cancer or radiation or being boobless and bald. All of that I can deal with. It’s from dropping my top for strangers and having them see me boobless and bald. 22 more treatments to go and countless more strange faces.

I had a dream last night that I can still remember vividly. I was on a bike on the highway heading for the ferry. I don’t know where my car was but I remember feeling awkward and nervous pedaling the bike on the highway. I stopped part way there, it was hot so I wanted to take my jacket off. I put my purse on the ground, my jacket on top of it and got back on the bike. When I got to the ferry I realized I couldn’t pay because I didn’t have my purse. I was going to call someone and panicked when I realized my phone was in my purse. A pay phone was out too, no coin. There were lots of people around me but I couldn’t ask someone for their phone, they didn’t speak English, nor did I know any of them. I felt totally alone and lost. I do remember looking at the water and thinking how calm it was compared to me at that moment.
It’s kind of weird how your daily life plays in your dreams. This one is a really good analogy of what’s been going on in my life in the past 7 or so months.

Radiation is a cake walk compared to everything else I’ve been through. I just lay there and the techs do all the work. Hopefully I won’t get the blisters that I’ve heard about. The way my luck has been going, I’m not holding my breath on that 🙂 24 more sessions to go.
I’m also liking the freedom I feel, being able to drive again. I don’t feel as hopeless and helpless. Oh there’s still things I can’t do yet, but I am ‘this close’ to being able to do everything I could before.