My friend commented that I haven’t written in here in a long time and he’s right.  And I’m not sure why I haven’t.  Having breast cancer is always on my mind.  Not a day goes by that I don’t think about it.  Maybe it’s because I know I may not be completely cured, that I still have a 20% chance of a recurrence and that scares me.  Maybe it’s because I’m constantly reminded when I look in the mirror that my body will never be “normal”.

I’ve been put on a new cancer medication in place of the Tamoxifen called Co Exemestane and ya, it has side effects.  The worst one for me is the bone and joint pain.  It eased some after being on the Tamoxifen for a bit but it’s back with this new medication.  My knees and fingers go from an annoyingly nagging ache to down-right painful.  I’m hoping it will ease up a bit.  The hot flashes and night sweats aren’t as bad so I guess that’s the trade off.

October, November and December are the hardest months for me, those were my chemo months and of all the things I wish I could forget, it’s those months.  I still get really anxious and depressed when I think of those days.  December 20th is the hardest of all.  That was my last chemo treatment and I still have the same feelings now thinking about it as I did living it.  I’ve forgotten a lot of stuff around those 8 months of my life, but have not forgotten anything about the chemo.

In some respects, getting diagnosed and treated for breast cancer feels like it was a lifetime ago, in others it feels like yesterday.  I do try not to talk about it too much, but sometimes I can’t help it.  1 in 9 Canadian women will get breast cancer in their lifetime, and knowing that statistic, I look at all the women I work with and wonder which one of them it will be.  I still hope daily that my sister and nieces will never have to go through this.

Knowing I have a 20% chance of the cancer coming back, I try and “plan” for it, try and decide what I will do and no matter the scenario, I can’t seem to decide.  If I get it again, some really hard choices may need to be made.  If I was told today I would have to go through chemo again, I really don’t think I could do it.

One of my bosses commented the other day about how long my hair had gotten.  And it has. Losing my hair was one of the most devastating things to happen to me in my life and I don’t know if I will ever get my hair cut again.  I cut my bangs, but the rest of it has not been touched by scissors since I had it trimmed when it was about an inch long.  It’s been close to 4 years since I was diagnosed and a lot has changed since my treatment finished with radiation in March of 2012.  I know I am not the same person, there is no way I could be.

Having breast cancer doesn’t seem to be something I can just “put behind me” and carry on as if it never happened.