Yesterday was my monthly blood draw. 3 vials. And I was stressing all the night before and the morning of. After the fiasco with the CT I had to force myself to go.
Today was my oncology appointment. Nothing new really. My tumor markers “are still around 60” which can be taken as they are creeping up or they are just normally fluctuating but he didn’t say either way and I didn’t ask. My white blood count is still low but that’s expected on this medication. I’m still stabilized.
I may be stabilized but I am in no way stable. Some days I’m so tired I don’t want to get out of bed. Others I just want to cry all day. I wonder if I’ll ever level off emotionally or if this is all part of the new me.

I had a dentist appointment yesterday. My 2 bottom front teeth are loose 😦 So I have choices. I can have them all pulled which is what I thought I would need or I might need a root canal but he isn’t sure yet. Both of these options would mean going to a specialist. One that specializes in cancer patients because of the risk of infection. I can have a brace put on the back of my teeth, but it wouldn’t be stable. For now, he ground down the top of the tooth that might need the root canal so it doesn’t bang against my upper denture and we wait and see if the nerve calms down so I don’t need a root canal. And the choice? Option 4. Wait and see if they get worse or if they are good enough to last a while. he liked this choice too. It’s much safer for me.
What I would have once considered to be “normal” every day things are turning out to be complicated now.

What does that even mean?
This cancer will go away if I think it away?
I won’t die in pain if I think I won’t?
I’ll live a normal, healthy, long life if I think I will?
I can’t think this whole situation away by thinking positive thoughts.
What about thinking real?
Real is I’m in a holding pattern for now. I think I’ll think only of today and what I know is happening.
Real is there is no cure for metastatic cancer, only an opportunity to possibly extend one’s life through drugs and chemicals and radiation that have, in all cases, annoying, and in some cases, deadly side effects. I think I’ll think about what I need to do to take care of myself so these side effects won’t affect my life today.
Real is I’ll have to plan for palliative care instead of planning for my retirement. It may well be a toss up as to which gets me first, the cancer or the side effects cause by the life-extending medications.
Real is thinking of how I am now, in a holding pattern. Real is today the side effects are minimal and I can make it through the day with possibly only feeling fatigued. Real is managing the minor pain I get from sitting too long or standing too long or walking too far. Real is no fractured bones. Real is not feeling incredibly disappointed because thinking positive didn’t take the cancer away.
I think I’ll think real thoughts.