I’m working on finding my new safe place. That place where I can feel content and relaxed. I want to be able to spend most of my time there and be able to retreat there when I get that tightness in my chest, my breath catches from fear and my heart starts to race. I have no where to run to feel that way right now. It used to be my apartment but this thing is going to follow me where-ever I go so somehow I’m going to have to make it an internal safe place.

I’ve tested positive for a mutated gene called Chek2. My mom is positive for it so they tested me. What that means is that it increases my chances of getting breast cancer “two-fold”. Part of me is glad I have it because it might explain why I have “Mets”.
I wonder if I hadn’t had a double mastectomy, would I just end up with breast cancer multiple times like my mom instead of Mets?

I’ve been doing some reading on Ibrance and (MBC)metastatic breast cancer in general. I still can’t find anything that makes me grab it and hold onto it as a way of living longer. The studies on both still say there is no cure. In all my reading this is the one thing that stands out, all the articles make a point of stressing this.
The Ibrance studies, what I can understand of them, give a “progression-free” increase of time over other treatments but only on average of 20 months and if I am reading correctly, in combination with the other drug I’m taking.
It would appear that I’ll be ok until the cancer hits my organs whenever that may be.
I really wish I knew how long I had. No, I don’t have a bucket list that I want to get through but I do want to have some “free” time like I would have if I retired. I don’t want to go from working every day to being bed-ridden every day. I want to spend some quality time with my family. All of them. There’s so many things we take for granted when we see our futures as being almost limitless. I want the little things, like walking without a cane and a limp again, being able to go to the PNE, or just plain going for a walk with my friend. I would like to have a glass of wine or 2 again.
I don’t want to be angry anymore at this not being caught sooner. It wouldn’t have really made a difference.
I want to be able to close my eyes at night and not be afraid. I want to wake up in the morning and not have MBC be my first thought of the day.
Maybe, soon, I’ll have a full day away from the obsessive thoughts of cancer and the constant repeating in my head of the word “metastatic”.

So for weeks before I had radiation and everything, my left ankle was always swollen. Same side as the cancer in my pelvis. Accompanied by shooting pains down the inside of my leg. I hadn’t really gotten an answer as to why it was happening. The swelling went away and I thought it was the radiation that fixed it. Apparently not. It’s swollen again. I guess it’s all the walking I do at work that’s causing it. Whatever the “it” is. So far no shooting pains down my leg. I’m going to have to try and walk less I guess.

Today was my first day back to work since Christmas. It did feel like I’d been gone months instead of weeks but it felt so good to be back among the living and doing a job that I love instead of with the cancer sick and cancer professionals or just by myself where the all-consuming thought is about the cancer and keeping me alive. I got tired quickly but I expected that. I’m going to just have to push through the fatigue, although a nap in the middle of the day would help!

So one of the side effects of Ibrance is diarrhea. And I have it and have had it since yesterday. I couldn’t go to work which sucked. I called the pharmacy that I got the Ibrance from and she wanted me to wait until tomorrow before I took anything for it. I’m not waiting that long! I had dinner about a half hour ago so I’m going to wait until about 8pm. If it’s a little better by then then I’ll hold off on the Imodium. If not, I’m taking it.

I’m calmer today that I have been in weeks. Don’t get me wrong, almost every waking minute is consumed by thoughts of this cancer. Will I get sick from these meds? When? How bad? For how long? How long am I going to live? How long am I going to be ok? What is the end going to be like? But it’s not as overwhelming as it has been. I’m not feeling panicky.
I am hoping that I’ll be able to go to work on Monday. I need to. I need to get back to something I’m good at to overpower this feeling of helplessness that I have. I do feel like I’ve been away for months instead of just 3 weeks.

My cousin did up a family tree last night that started with our great grandmother and shows all the cancer from her down. Scary stuff. Our family doesn’t have a chance. Either that or we are “golden” and they’ll be able to find out what’s going on with us.
Today is day 2 of taking the Ibrance. So far so good. I’m still really anxious and stressed about the side effects.
I’ve started looking around my place and wanting to purge. So not like me but truthfully, there isn’t really much I need or want to hang onto. I’m starting to feel like the less stuff around me the better. I really do not need it all.

I (we) decided against the bone IV today. The Dr agreed that we’d put it on hold. I’m so overwhelmed and so don’t like the side effects. He did say that the bone IV and the Letrozole that I stopped taking on Thursday have been proven to work the best together but for now I’ll just start taking the Letrozole again.
I’m starting the chemo meds (Ibrance) tonight and I really wasn’t looking forward to the side effects being compounded with the bone IV. So I just get to deal with one set of nasties. Hello nausea and fevers. Again. There is a very good chance that my stomach is going to revolt. He says to push through for 3 or 4 days to see if they go away before I decide to stop taking them. All to help me live longer.

I had a melt down last night and asked my sister to go with me today. I just couldn’t do it anymore alone. She is so busy and taking time off to look after my aunt and then my mom that I felt bad but I needed her. And she was there for me. Today driving to the radiation appointment and driving home I dumped all my fears on her. I know it’s hard on her but at this point because she’s been there with me for most of my appointments I feel she understands. I’m still in pretty rough shape emotionally and hope I get over it soon.
My mom is getting a mastectomy in February. It’s her 3rd bout with breast cancer. Today she had a bone scan and a CT. I’m worried. My family doesn’t need 2 of us in rough shape.