I’ve been dealing with cancer in one form or another for 10 years. The initial diagnosis in June of 2011. The chemo, only 4 rounds (lucky me) with all it’s glorious side effects including, but not limited to, my hair falling out, chemo brain, horrible taste in my mouth, joint pain, night sweats. Radiation for 25 rounds and the burns that come with it. 3 surgeries. 5 years of hormone therapy. Then it came back as MBC just over 3 years ago so again it’s been countless needle pokes, CT scans, side effects from the drugs including, but not limited to, intense fatigue, night sweats, trouble sleeping, lack of taste, more “chemo brain”. Let’s not forget the intense pain from the tumors and, for the 3rd time, feeling like I cracked a rib. Oh! And just for shits and giggles, the world is in a pandemic from COVID-19.

10 years of having an intimate relationship with something that is eating me from the inside out. Something I can’t just say good bye to and be done with it, like a bad relationship. Every day I have to find a way to live in harmony with it but that’s a really big struggle. It’s with me constantly. Whispering in my ear that it’s going to win. And I know it’s going to win. It’s going to kill me. The only option I have is to try and beat it’s timeline. Extend it for another day or month or year.

10 years of my life often feeling secondary to what cancer is doing to me because I can’t do what I want without some sort of physical repercussion. 10 years of going back and forth from I got this, I can beat this! to how much longer can I do this?

Some days the emotional toil cancer takes is far worse than all the side effects from the drugs. It’s exhausting. Some days I’m just done with it all.