I’ve been out every day this week. Twice to work to visit, one of those was for a retirement. I like visiting. Some days I really miss it, although I do feel healthier not being there. Being able to nap when I need to and not having to rely on the recesses of my brain for customer/team questions/answers has helped a lot. Sometimes my brain just doesn’t want to work properly and I have a hard time finding words.

Been to the dentist. Right now we’re waiting to see what and if my insurance will cover. My dentist is going for a partial denture, keeping my eye teeth so the denture has something to hang on to. I’m for that. He’ll send me to an oral surgeon because of the cancer and the drugs I’m on. That’s ok too. Being knocked out to pull teeth wouldn’t bother me a bit.

on a side note: I find I’m becoming more and more of a fraidy-cat. Seems as if everything is causing me anxiety. Take today, we are having a wind storm and it was rocking my car. So I started getting anxious. Will a tree fall on me? Will a branch break my windshield? I am going home for the holidays tomorrow and it better not be windy or I won’t be able to get on the ferry. Seems like this kind of stuff is happening more and more. I want to turn into a recluse and never leave my apartment but to add to the anxiety, at some point in the spring I’m going to have to move.

I’m not usually one to feel sorry for myself, there’s always someone out there who’s in a worse place than me.  I just put one foot in front of the other and keep going.  Eventually, I get back on track.   But lately I tell ya, I’m just done with thinking like that.  It isn’t working anymore.  All the little things that go wrong and all the big things that go wrong are seriously out-weighing the good.

The saying “without bad luck, I’d have no luck at all” does seem to apply to my life..  And it keeps piling up.  To add to the pile, I won’t have a disability payment until the 2nd week  of January, transferring from short term to long term. That’s 5 weeks.. My family is helping me financially and I don’t know what I’d do without them but it just sucks.

More for the pile:  I’ve always had bad teeth but in the past few months they’ve gotten worse.  One of my front lower teeth is loose and the gums have receded so far down it’s scary.  I’m going to have to get them pulled and get dentures. And there’s the fear factor to add to the pile.  Low white blood cells from the drugs they are giving me could be a problem.  I have a dentist appointment next week to try and figure out what to do.  I hate going to the dentist.  And I hate needles.  Hopefully, I’ll make it through the holidays with the teeth I have because everyone will be off on vacation before I can get anything done.

Can’t I just deal with the cancer?  Does all this other stuff have to keep piling on me?  Crying doesn’t usually help much but these last few days I’m having a hard time not.  I seriously am just so done.  And yes, I feel sorry for myself. 

My insurance has approved my long term disability and I’ve been approved for CPP Disability as well.   What a chore to get the CPP-D paperwork in.

I got the package from my insurance to apply for the CPP-D in October along with a letter giving me about 2 weeks(or risk losing my disability) to get it filled in and back to my insurance. Thing is, I only check my mail once a week because who snail mails anymore besides the advertising flyers? and had been waiting for the package from them for over a month and never got it, then had the issues with my car and a mini vacation home and forgot about it I ended up with about 4 days to get it done and back to them so I was in a panic.  I did call them about that and they said it wouldn’t be a problem. There was pages and pages to fill out and truthfully, the instructions they give aren’t very helpful.  As it was, I sent the wrong ones to my insurance and to CPP.  I sent the right ones after a couple of phone calls.

I got another call from CPP this week saying they didn’t get some of them.  I filled them out AGAIN(19 pages) and took them to the local office today to have them send it to Victoria.  The local office tells me there’s a package for “terminal” disability that is about half as long that I could have filled out.  Really??

I got another call from CPP today saying they got the package but it’s missing the Dr’s section.  I was told by my insurance that I didn’t need to get that part filled.  Apparently my insurance is wrong. She says it isn’t the first time she’s heard this.  No matter, because the lady at CPP “gets it” she’s going to approve me anyway.  Chances are, the Dr’s section has never been filled out-I didn’t take it to him-so it won’t show up on their desk and stop the process of me getting CPP.

Stress IS a factor on my pain level.  My hip hurts today and I feel like crap.  Having to explain over and over again what’s going on with me is also stressful.  Most people don’t know what “metastatic” means so when I tell them it’s terminal their whole demeanor changes toward me.  That’s what I don’t want happening.