I know for a lot of people today and tonight are all about reflection of the past year and resolutions for the new year.  The highlight of my last year was the cruise to Alaska with my family and I loved the trip.  Alaska was the last thing on my bucket list.  Probably a good thing my list was short.  Reflecting more-2017 confirmed my biggest fear.  My cancer is back and it’s incurable.  Not sure why I call it “my cancer” except that it’s a living, breathing, growing thing inside me.  Is it just me or does something bad always balance out the something good?

2018 will be … interesting.  I start my 5 sessions of radiation on the 2nd(they changed the start date) and have the dreaded bone IV on the 9th and will also start the iBrance chemo medication so I’m not looking forward to January. This medication can have all the same side effects as IV chemo but it’s a pill. They tell me the symptoms will lesson over time but will it lesson enough for me to deal with it? Will I lose my hair again? What are the chances that I won’t have any symptoms at all?

I have so many questions that may or my not ever get answers.
Will the radiation and the bone IV eventually get rid of the pain so I can live a semi-normal life and be able to walk without a cane and be able to carry things like my laundry basket?
Speaking of which, how long will I live?
Will it get ugly in the end?
How can I help my family and friends through this while I’m going through it?

It’s amazing at the speed that everything happens once the diagnosis of metastatic breast cancer has been given.  Words like “no cure” and “try to prolong your life” are still ringing in my ears.  Funny really.  You do your research on Google, you think you have all the answers, you’ve read that there isn’t a cure but it still hits like a punch to the gut when your oncologist says the words out loud to you.

I saw him on the 12th and he started me on another aromatase inhibitor.  I’m also the lucky recipient of a monthly IV to try and help strengthen my bones.  Had that on the 13th.  Best way to describe it is like a mini dose of chemo 😦 I was only down and out for 5 days, the first 2 with fever and nausea.  My sister, once again, has become my advocate and my appointment buddy and my friend is once again looking after me on those retched days when I can’t do for myself.  Fatigue and I have become well-aquainted again.

I’m scheduled for 5 rounds of radiation starting the 29th.

My insurance has approved another drug he wants me on.  I wonder what little gems of side-effects it will be hiding…

I’m still not sure what I think or how I feel about all this beyond the fact that it all sucks and I’m tired of needing a cane to walk and I’m tired of being in pain. All. The. Time.

So I’m waiting to hear from my oncologist. This is one of the difficult things about knowing I have cancer is the waiting.
My GP gave me oxycodone for the pain but I haven’t taken it yet. Stupid I know but I’m afraid of it so I’ve been hording the Tramadol I do have. Even stupider because it’s making me suffer more.
I would give almost anything to have one week where it doesn’t hurt to move or sleep or do what 6 months ago I would thought of as normal everyday functions.