So I was able to chop veggies, put the cap back on the spray pam and sweep the floor tonight without hurting myself. I guess that’s progress. Little by tiny little I’m getting stronger.

Saw the plastic surgeon today. I said that now that the numbness was gone, the implant is pinching, pulling, hurting. He smiled and nodded, said that will get better with time. It’s like he expected to hear that from me. The hard spots I feel are scar tissue and again, with time they’ll go away. I don’t have to see him again for 2 weeks. Unless I think something is wrong.
Time. That equals patience. I’m rather short on that right now. I never dreamed that being diagnosed with cancer would be so all encompassing and time consuming. I get so discouraged. I had mistakenly thought-hoped-this would take a month at the most. I was way off base and so very wrong. I expect progress to happen faster and life to get back to normal sooner. I still don’t see an end to all this and that bothers me more than anything. If someone could tell me that in 2 or 3 weeks I’d get ‘normal’ back I’d be much happier but that’s not going to happen. Every once in a while I wonder if I made the right decision by having a double mastectomy when I only had cancer on the one side and the reconstruction, was that the thing to do too? Couldn’t I have just had the ‘falsies’ instead? When I take a really good hard look at it all, this is the right decision for me, anything less and I would not be happy.
I wish I could look at this time as being a holiday but it so is not. This is no picnic or walk in the park. Even typing this makes everything pull and I know I’ll have to go rest on the couch for a bit. I guess I need to find a way to stop being so hard on myself. I did not plan this, nor did I ask for it, it’s just bad genes and I gotta learn to deal with it still.

So when does this implant feel like a part of me? When does it stop feeling like something stapled to my chest? I feel like I have bindings around my chest sometimes and they’re too tight. When will I be able to move and not feel like it’s in my way? I’ll have to ask the plastic surgeon tomorrow.

The appointment today was a waste of time. She doesn’t have the results, they told me a week. She finds it interesting that they’re telling the patients a week, but she calls and they say 2.
Today is not a good day. Today is a down day. I’m tired of the pain and the tightness and the pulling and the heaviness in my chest. I’m tired of not being able to pull or cut or tie anything without it pulling or hurting me. Things aren’t happening quickly enough for me. Like my surgeon says, we live in a fast-food society and I myself am all for instant gratification. I can’t wait for the day with no pulling or binding or tightness or pain.

Tomorrow I go see my surgeon again. Hopefully the bone scan and ultrasound tests will be in and I can rest easy until I see the oncologist.

Today we had a storm, thunder and lightening and heavy rain. It was a good a reason as any to curl up on the couch and really do absolutely nothing. No cleaning, no crocheting, absolutely nothing, and for minutes at a time I was able to forget that I have a huge scar across my chest that pulls and a pectoral muscle that hurts and feel normal. I loved those minutes.

I’ve been on my own for a very long time. I’ve lived alone for most of that. The only person I can rely on for most things is me. On days like today I count my blessings, I have an awesome family that I’m close to, if not in miles then in heart, a job I love with very supportive employers, I have a fairly new car, it’s only 2 years old, a cat that adores me when he isn’t pissy and trying to kill me, friends who love me just the way I am. But on days like today when I’m tired of the pain and tired of not being able to get comfortable and making dinner takes longer than it should and the household chores don’t look like they’ll get done this week and I’m overwhelmed by what lies ahead and even though I’m 48 years old…I just want my mommy.

I had a dream(nightmare?) last night that has me feeling unsettled all day. I dreamed that I went and saw my surgeon, which I’m doing Tuesday, and she said they got the tests back from the scan and ultrasound. The scan came back positive for cancer. I woke up then so I don’t know where it was. It’s the first time since I knew I had cancer that it’s affected my dreams. Don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing since I sometimes have dreams that happen.
On another note, I watched a show today that showed the flap option for breast reconstruction. I gotta tell ya, I’m glad that one wasn’t an option for me. It looked more painful and there’s far more scarring. They cut a strip from your belly, the one I watched was about a 3 or 4 inch wide strip, and stuff it under the skin, up to the breast area and sew it in place, then sew the flap parts back together. ew.

So I saw the plastic surgeon today to get the stitches out, all 2 of them. He had another dr with him, a resident maybe, they were talking about how he’d been to school for 15 years and soon was going to be able to do something to someone. Anyhow. My Dr was pointing out all the good things about my implant, how much more natural it looks now that the Fraser Health Authority has allowed the new type of procedure, pointing out the good job he’d done. I laughed, which made him blush. I told him I was just glad it looked so good.
The skin transplant-he started explaining about people donating parts when they die, I cut him off, said I got all that but why was it used on me. He needed it to lengthen my pectoral muscle or the implant would sink down my ribs. And that also explains the extreme pain. Not only do they cut the muscle off the ribs, but they sew a foreign body to it. Also explained all the antibiotics I had. Apparently the expander for the other side is going to hurt more than this one did. They lift the muscle off my ribs, slip the expander under it and expand it over time, stretching the pectoral muscle until the space formed by the expander will fit the actual implant. Oh happy day 😦 I see him next week again.
Stopped at a market on the way home and picked up some treats I usually can’t find or don’t buy, fresh figs, mussels and Chilliwack corn. Dinner is going to be awesome!