It’s been just about 10 months since my last chemo, 7 since my last radiation.  Today I had to make 2 trips to my car to get my groceries in the poring rain.  My knees didn’t bother me this time and the rain can’t destroy my hairdo seeing as how it’s so short.  Both pluses at this point.
A few months ago I was afraid my knees would never recover.  They’re still not back to normal but at least now I can walk the entire grocery store without feeling like they’re going to give out and the aching doesn’t happen often anymore.  I’ll take it if this is as good as it gets.  I was never planning on running a marathon anyways.
Now when I look in the mirror I do recognize me, but I think it’s because my hair is growing.  I can finally cover my ears with it.  My bangs are still a little short but at least now when I see me, I don’t want to cry.  I just get pissed off that my hair looks just as short today as it did yesterday.  I don’t think I look like a cancer patient anymore and I’m loving the curls.  Popular vote says I keep my hair short but MY vote is to have my long hair back.
There are still lingering little things from this whole cancer journey that nag me and remind me of what I’ve been through.   Like the distinct ridges that were on my toenails, 4 of them, one for each chemo treatment it seems, have almost completely grown out.   Like my feet always feeling swollen even though they aren’t and the tingling ring and pinky fingers of both hands.  I’m sure this is the nerve damage they told me about from the chemo, but it’s minor compared to what it could have been.  And sometimes my joints ache really bad, especially my hands and knees.
The feet, usually when I’ve been sitting for a while, they feel like volleyballs and combined with the seized up knees,  I’m sure I look like a 100 year old lady the first few steps I take.  They don’t really hurt but that would be the word to describe the feeling.  Big round balls I need to get used to walking on.  The tingling in my left hand is usually worse than my right but it’s constant and sometimes my hands and fingers still curl into my body when they’re feeling especially bad.  My shoulder still isn’t normal and there’s some things, like taking a t-shirt off, that takes me forever because it hurts to lift my arm above my head or behind my back.  I’m just glad it’s not my left shoulder, being left-handed and all.
I’m still not sleeping.  Let me rephrase that.  I’m not sleeping through the night.  I get 2 maybe 3 hours of sleep in a row before I wake up.  And I wake up right after or right before a hot flash.  So not only am I not sleeping normally but I get to feel either all hot and sweaty or soaking wet and freezing cold for most of the night.  I’ve been  going to bed fairly early, 9:30-ish because usually by 4:30 or 5am I’m so done with it all that I get up.  I tend to take lots of naps on the weekends to try and catch up and not feel so tired and fatigued when Monday rolls around.
I call these ‘little things’ because unless you know me, and/or I’ve said something, you’d never know that I’m dealing with them.  I can, for the most part, hide them.  The big things, the continual fatigue, the extremely sore joints, the chemo brain, are over and done with.
I read someplace that the recovery from all this is about how long it all took in the first place.  For the most part, I guess it’s true.  I don’t feel sickly anymore and I don’t think I look sick anymore either.  The ‘stoopid’ chemo brain has only shown up a couple of times in the last couple of months.  I don’t feel like I need a cane to walk or a handicap parking tag to go shopping anymore.  But I am still fully aware and reminded daily of what happened.  It all could have been so much worse.  I am one of the lucky ones.