I had an appointment with my cancer oncologist today.  He was running behind as usual and I waited for 40 minutes.  I ended up sitting beside this little old lady that talked incessantly.   I know it was nerves on her part.  She was there alone and this was her first chemo treatment but her second bout with cancer.  I just kept saying uh huh which seemed to keep her happy.  I personally, was not in a talkative mood.
He did a cursory check of my chest and lymph nodes.  I’m all good.  He asked how it was all going and I told him about the night sweats and weight gain.  He asked how I would feel about living with it all for another 6 months.  oh happy day 😦  I just told him I catch up on my sleep on the weekends.  He may put me on a different hormone blocker in a year.  Hopefully it will allow me to sleep for longer than I am right now.  Waking up at 4 or 5 because I’m soaking wet and freezing cold really sucks.
I was in tears by the time I got to the reception desk to make my next appointment.  For June of next year.  I’m not sure why it’s still so traumatic. I was shaking sitting there waiting for my appointment, and one really odd thing is my right hand started aching like it did while they were feeding me the chemo drugs.  There was a time when I was in the middle of chemo when I wished my brain worked properly.  Going back there today, I wish it still didn’t.

So I go see the oncologist next week for my 1 year checkup.  On the 20th it will be 1 year since my last chemo treatment.  A year but a lot of days it still feels like last week.  I’m still triggered by things, smells mostly that take me back to then.  The memory of it all isn’t fading as fast as I’d like.  For some reason, even though I ended up with a really good burn from it, the radiation paled in comparison to the chemo.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that my body will never be the same, and that was really tough.  Even tho nothing that happened was a surprise, knowing it wasn’t a choice made it more difficult to deal with.  I’m proud of myself really.  There are so many ways I could have used having cancer to play on people’s sympathies but I couldn’t do that.  I could have taken more time off from work but I couldn’t do that either.  I was tempted a few times to play the ‘cancer card’ but I didn’t do that either.   Having cancer was just something that I had to get through.
Granted, I complain about my knees.  I think they are as good as they’re going to get, mostly I can cover up how bad they still are.  I can at least deal with them now.  And my ‘frozen shoulder’ is almost thawed out 🙂  Only in some circumstances does it still bother me.  The weight gain?  I do feel fat no matter what anyone says.  But whatever.  THAT isn’t in my control yet, the Tamoxifen is taking that over.  My hair is still too short for my liking but it’s growing back.  I like the curl and am used to the colour being different.
In a few months I will get training so I can be a phone volunteer for other people who will go through what I have and just need to talk.  I am so glad I had the people around me that I did.  They all made it just that much easier.  Even the people I work for and with were incredibly helpful and compassionate.  I need to pay it all forward and being a volunteer will do that for me.
I’m not there yet.  But I will be.