My burn has just about all pealed. It’s back to looking like a bad sunburn instead of something that was deep fried. And it isn’t painful anymore, just sore, like a sunburn. I’m tempted to take a picture of me from the waist up, just to show what I see. All the time. Not just when I get changed. But I think that would be too horrifying to post.
I’m going back to work soon and am sooo looking forward to it. Everyone from my insurance company to the Drs to my family are all telling me not to rush things, take them slow. Some in fact, think I’m crazy to be going back yet but I need to, I’m going nuts sitting around doing nothing. I’ve been doing this for 8 months. True, lots of that time was spent flat on my back and in pain but the times that weren’t were incredibly boring. So I’m going to take their advice and start back part time. Slowly. My body isn’t the way it used to be, it’s been through a war, and it shows, but I have to start getting back to the land of the healthy living instead of being parked in the land of the nearly dead. Yes, I’m anxious and nervous about going back to work, but I’m also excited. My job was a big part of my life and I really do miss it.

So I emailed the foob lady today. Apparently I ‘misunderstood’ her and they take 3-4 weeks to get here, not 2 like she’d originally told me. She got them yesterday, they were at the store. She ended up calling me today to set up a time for me to try them on again. They can’t be returned after they’ve left her sight I guess if there’s something wrong with them. What really annoys me is not only that I ‘misunderstood’ her, but that when she called she was in my area. I don’t know, but it seems to make sense to me that she’da called me yesterday to see if I wanted her to drop them off. She never intended on getting them mailed to me. She said she leaves all the orders at the store and her clients just pick them up from there. Ok, ok so it may have been lost in translation, but when I asked how I get them and she says they come in the mail, I assumed they get mailed to me, not her. I had to go to Langley today to try them on again. And they messed up my order. I’m short one of the bras I ordered. I said 3 times for her to just mail it to me when it gets here. Let’s see if she does.
My burn has started pealing like crazy. The whole area not just the part under my arm. And it’s getting itchy. It doesn’t hurt as much to move around now, but it pulls and is real tight. It’s finally healing. I can’t wear the foobs yet, but at least I have them now. Very soon I will outwardly look like a ‘normal’ person.

I wasn’t sure how the weekend was going to be. I realized Friday morning I wasn’t going to be able to do all the driving we needed. I was far too sore. Part of my radiation burn had pealed under my arm so I had raw skin rubbing against raw skin. It took me forever to pack and drive to my sister’s. I got to her place and handed her my car keys. I am so not a good passenger at the best of times but far worse when someone is driving my car with me in it.
We picked mom up at the ferry, and made it to the hotel with enough time to get take-out food and soak my burn before mom and I went and saw Sylvia Browne. After her lecture, they pulled numbers for people to go up for readings. Ours got pulled. I made mom go up. She said I’d been sick for quite a while and asked when I’d get my life back. Sylvia told her my situation wasn’t as bad as I made it out to be, mom told her she disagreed, Sylvia said it was true, that I was a bit of a drama queen. I’d get my life back in June. So there ya go. I’m a drama queen.
Today we had lunch with (for?) Ride2Survive. We thought it would be a good ending to the weekend, making a cancer donation. Thanks Mom 🙂
I wasn’t a drama queen this weekend but my bitch was out, sometimes quietly, sometimes with my outside voice. I’m fatigued, sore, uncomfortable and in desperate need of more than an hour or 2 of constant sleep. I’m hoping I didn’t ruin the weekend too badly with my grouchiness, I apologize if I did, because I look forward to this every year. It’s the one weekend it’s just mom, my sister and I together.

I went shopping today. Wanted jeans for this weekend and for work and got them super cheap. I didn’t want to spend a lot of money on them just in case I go back to my normal weight. Also got some food. There was stuff on sale this week that I normally buy and I may not feel like going out after my weekend away with mom and sis. I wanted to be able to rest tomorrow. I’m in pain now. I know I should let someone take me but I just so want to be able to do things on my own again.
My knees and feet are killing me and the radiated site has gotten away from me. Some of the skin of my armpit started to sluff off last night. Think of burning your arm on the oven and the skin just wiping off. Hurts. 😦 Good thing I picked up the cream for it yesterday.
In the past 8 months I can’t remember a whole 7 days in a row where I wasn’t in enough pain to have to take my time doing things. Or not do them at all. I get so discouraged and plain wore out too often. I have to fight with myself lots to get rid of the whiny, bitchy crabby way I constantly feel, or at least be able to hide it from people. That old saying about ‘act as if…’ just doesn’t always work. I was so hoping the radiation would be a breeze, thought I was entitled to that at least with all I’ve been through but noooo…it had to get bad too.
So today I’m whiny, bitchy, crabby. I’m going to take my sleeping pills this weekend, I’m sure mom and sis wouldn’t appreciate me waking them up at all hours like I do.

Going back to the chemo Dr today sure brought back all the horrible chemo memories. It almost made me cry. The nurses remembered me which was nice, we had a nice little chat. I felt so bad for all the people in that room, going through what I’ve already been through, and in some cases worse. Waiting to check in for my appointment, there was a woman there with an ice cream bucket lined with plastic. I followed her down to the chemo floor and she was in rough shape. She’s got the side effect I’m glad I never had.
The Dr put me on Tamoxifen. I’m going to be on it for 2 years. If at that time, my period doesn’t come back, then he’ll switch me to Arimidex for another 3 years. 2 years is the timeline/guideline for actually being post-menopausal and Arimidex won’t work for pre-menopause. It is suggested that I take them in the morning with food to combat nausea and not increase the night sweats. Guess they’ll be sitting by my computer so I remember to take them. It’s a little unnerving taking a pill every day that carries the warning: Do not handle if pregnant or breastfeeding.
So my sister was right. And so was I. My nails lifting is from the chemo and only the part that was affected is lifting, or being pushed out. I also got better clarification on my ‘sunburn’ and why it’s so much worse under my arm. And instead of saying it’s going to keep acting like it’s being radiated for 2 weeks (radiation Dr) he said it peaks a week or 2 after the radiation is done, that’s when it’s the worst. He also looked at a lump I have where my last IV was. He made me wiggle my finger and stuff, says it’s ‘like scar tissue’ and should go away. The radiation Dr just said it was (insert big medical term here) and because of my age she wasn’t even going to look at it, which she didn’t. The chemo Dr seems to take the time with me and make sure I understand things rather than rushing me out the door which I sure appreciate.

So the radiated area looks like a really bad sunburn. My underarm feels like it’s sunburned with a touch of razor burn to go with it. Been spending most of the day with my elbow in the air so the burn doesn’t rub. No blisters. Wonder how many days this is going to last?
I don’t think my nails are going to fall off. My sis thinks the portion that was hit by chemo and would have lifted off is starting to grow out so half my nail is attached to the nail bed, half isn’t. And they may not fall off but eventually just grow out normally. I’m goin’ with that. I’ve cut them down so they don’t catch and rip off. No acrylic refills for me till they’ve grown out.

Finally. My last radiation appointment was today. I can see an end to all this! I gave the techs a thank you card. They’re the ones that do all the work during the appointments but I’m sure they don’t get much recognition. They’ve asked me to come in and say hi when I go there for my follow-up appointment next month.
The RN, ironically, was the same one I had the other day that I didn’t like. I still don’t like her but she’s given me a thumbs up so she can’t be all that bad. She wants me to use the prescription cream as soon as I see blisters, the Dr yesterday said to use it once the blisters have broken. ~shrug~ I guess it doesn’t matter or they’d get their instructions straight.
The radiated site is now very red. It’s a perfect square that runs from my side, the top of my underarm down to the middle of my ribs, across to the middle of my chest. They tell me it can get worse over the next 2 weeks. Matter of fact, they keep telling me that. I have to keep with the saline packs and cream 3 or 4 times a day until the redness goes away. I will be trading shampoo and a blow dryer for salt and my little blue bowl when I pack for next weekend. I have to admit, last night and today it is really uncomfortable wearing anything on that side, especially under my arm. Hopefully it won’t get much more irritated.
But the worst of all this is finally over. No more bed-ridden, bone numbing pain, no more surgeries, no more daily appointments. The only side effects that aren’t going away right now is the fatigue and the joint pain/weakness. Piece a cake all things considered.
Next week I find out about hormone therapy.

So I’m laying on the radiation table waiting for the loud beeping type noise that happens with it so I can count my way through the treatment session. I count lots of times to keep calm. A little OCD maybe but it works. I hear the first short beep and it’s usually followed by a long one. But I hear nothing after the short one. And I’m waiting. The tech comes in the room and says they’ve got a message on the screen (I can’t remember what it was) and they have to get a mechanic (her word) down to enter the passwords to fix it. The techs aren’t allowed the passwords. The computer program they use had locked up and had to be restarted. I laughed.

The meeting with the Dr is always a little unsettling, or is that annoying? I know by the way the techs talk that my radiated site isn’t any where near as bad as was expected. Still no blistering. Oh it’s red all right, but the skin isn’t pealing like a sunburn that has blistered. The Dr called it desquamation and gave me a prescription just in case. I really think they like to use the big words to scare people. It will act as if it’s still being radiated 2 weeks after I’m done so I could blister. I just always feel troubled when I leave her office. I feel like I should be really depressed, need all the support and help I can latch onto and be bed-ridden when I’m not getting radiation. I got a weird look from her today when I mentioned that I hope I can get back to work soon. She went into this speech about needing support groups and survivors especially now to talk to and looking after myself and taking things slowly and not expect to be able to get back to normal so fast.
I’m really sorry all you professional people. I don’t believe I’m fooling myself into thinking I’m ok. Don’t get me wrong here, I am a little apprehensive and a little scared but for me, getting my life back is all the support and therapy I need. Oh I know I’ll have my ‘down’ days but sitting around the house doing nothing is definitely not doing me any good. And it isn’t very therapeutic.

I only have 2 radiation treatments left. Both include an appointment after them. Tomorrow is with the Dr and the last appointment with an RN. Then I’m done with all the major treatment they can give a person with cancer. The only thing left is the hormone therapy. For some reason I don’t see that as ‘major’ treatment even though I can get side effects from it too that can be as bad as chemo and radiation. I’m trying not to worry about that until my appointment for it next week with my chemo oncologist. I also don’t see it as debilitating as chemo or radiation. It’s just a daily pill. For about 5 years.
For the last year, cancer has run my life. For the last 8 months it’s been my custodian, outlining what I do every day, when I do it, how I do it, and for the last 5 weeks, even where I do it. For the last 8 months my life hasn’t been my own, but cancer’s. In a week or 2 hopefully I can fire cancer and run my own life again.
I’ve been asked more than once what was I going to do for myself after this is all over, and it’s been asked by professionals and others who have never had cancer, not by cancer survivors themselves. What I’m doing for myself is getting my life back. I don’t need a trip or a new wardrobe or a new pair of shoes to mark the occasion. Getting my life back is celebratory enough. Coincidentally, my yearly weekend away with my mom and sister is next weekend. There’s a show I wanted to see and got the tickets for Christmas. Before I knew when my radiation would be over. Karma maybe?

Last night I noticed some of my nails are pulling away from the nail beds. I went to radiation early hoping to see a chemo nurse. Nail loss can be a side effect of the chemo I was on. The receptionist at radiation is new, didn’t know who to contact and send me to the 3rd floor, the chemo floor who sent me to the 2nd floor, the cancer clinic, who told me to come back after radiation.
I was upset at radiation, told them what was going on, one of them dried my tears for me cause I was in position for rads and couldn’t move my arms. The other one was telling me I’m too hard on myself, I shouldn’t push myself as much as I do. They are just the nicest people. When I was done I told them I didn’t want to be like other cancer patients, I didn’t want to be as emotional as I am, I didn’t want everything to effect me as much as it does. They told me not to worry, I’m nothing like the other cancer patients they see.
Back to the 2nd floor and into a cancer triage nurse. She said it was too far past chemo for whats happening to my nails to be a side effect. Because my fingers aren’t cracked, and they were pink, it wasn’t the drugs causing it, but could be caused by an accumulation of everything as well as them being acrylic. The chemo people I had were never concerned with them being acrylic, they just wanted them clear so they could keep an eye on them for nerve damage. I’ve never heard of anyone’s nails lifting off the beds from acrylic nails. I asked her what I should do. She suggested I get them taken off until I told her they use acetone for that. She said then to keep them, but keep an eye on them, keep them clean. Then she said she couldn’t be empathetic, but could be sympathetic. I told her I didn’t want her sympathy.
Am I depressed, sad, defeated? Totally. My nails were the only thing I had left that made me feel even a little feminine. Will I get over it? Of course. There’s nothing left for the cancer treatments to take away. Nothing left for me to ‘get over’.