I’ve been having issues with neck pain for the past couple of weeks. Initially I thought my neck was “out” but there’s no way I’m going to a chiropractor. The pain woke me up at 2am. I thought I was going to pass out from the pain just getting out of bed.

Had my first ambulance ride ever this morning. Called them at 4am. They had to help me off my couch. Was at the hospital by 4:30am.

7 hours, bloodwork, CT with contrast, nausea meds by IV and hydromorphone subconsciously, it has been determined that I have a tumour on my C2 in my spine.

Just when I was feeling better…

I got my wig today. I like it, it’s long, wavy and a bit darker than my own hair but can’t wear it for long. My head is still too sensitive. I will have to buy makeup again, I look so washed out.

I cut the rest of my hair off, what was left of it, this fringe around my ears. I hate looking in the mirror. Years ago there was a heroin commercial meant to shock people. It showed this pretty blond lady who takes her wig off and her teeth out, showing the effects of drugs. She went from being pretty to being ugly. I feel like her every time I look in the mirror.

My hair is still falling out. I cut it the other day to just below my ears. Couldn’t take it anymore. Every time I brush it, a whole bunch falls out. Every time I run my fingers through it, a bunch of hair comes out. It gets in my food and my mouth. There’s no stopping it. I refuse to shave it because I’m so pissed off at it. One chemo treatment. Just one and my hair is all going to fall out.

I have ordered a wig. Should be here in about a week and a half, give or take.

I can’t even express how pissed off I am….

My oncologist called yesterday. Unfortunately, as I already knew, but he confirmed, chemo was my last treatment option. He was shocked that my hair is falling out. Said it usually only happens after the 2nd or 3rd treatment. (We all know I’m not your usual person). He really wants me to get the bone biopsy done. I said if he was looking for an answer right then, it would be no. I’ve been through too much trauma in the last month. He’s going to call me in 2 months and I’ll have a decision for him then. Not sure what I’m going to do.

Went to the pain clinic today(palliative care). I’ve been given an anti-nausea prescription that is supposed to help me sleep too and a suggestion to try extra strength Tylenol instead of the hydromorphone. They gave me some links with information on nutrition-my taste buds and appetite suck-and exercise. One of the team also suggested instead of a bucket list, I create a “nectar” list. A record of “momentous moments” in my life that made me who I am. I’m going to do this. They’ll reconnect with me at the end of the month.

A month with no appointments, no tests, no scans, no bloodwork. Nothing cancer related. I feel like I can breathe again.