I haven’t written much since the pandemic hit. It’s been, and is, really hard to get my thoughts in any sense of an order. I thought having MBC was bad. Having it while trying to live during a pandemic is next to impossible when it comes to controlling my anxiety.

I had to go the hospital for bloodwork today for my cholesterol. I’ve been there a couple of times since this hit, but the questions they ask before they let you in still throw me. Any new cough, fever, shortness of breath? Been around someone with covid? Loss of sense of taste or smell? At this point I tell them I’m stage 4, my sense of smell and taste have been off for 2 years. Then my anxiety rises because I have to sit in the same chairs as other people and hope they’ve disinfected before me. Not sure what my Dr did but they took 6 vials of blood today. Guess I’ll find out when I talk to him on Thursday.

I have to go for more bloodwork in 2 weeks for my cancer so that’s adding to the anxiety, knowing I have to be around more people again and wondering what he’s going to say about my numbers. Will I continue with this treatment? Will he drop the dosage? I’m so tired all the time I know my numbers are all out of whack.

Stopped on my way home to pick up my groceries that I’d pre-ordered but had to go into the store to get my cigarettes. Apparently I set up a pickup time too early for the staff to get them out of the lock boxes.

Got home and disinfected everything. Washed my hands so many times they’ve completely dried out.

Now I freak out for the next 2 days waiting for whatever virus I didn’t get off my food to die.

When I go out anywhere, I wear a mask and I make sure that no one comes near me, or I don’t go near them. Except the checkout clerks. But is that enough? Not that I go anywhere. I get groceries and the odd curbside pickup for yarn. And my bubble is tiny. Just me. And a visit with my friend 2 weeks ago with “social distancing” and my niece, outside with social distancing. I haven’t spent any other time with someone I know outside of this. Being alone doesn’t bother me, all the other stuff does.

I really do try to not let my thoughts get out of hand, I know that everyone else is really anxious about covid too, but geez. I really wish I didn’t have to worry about it and my cancer. I wish I lived in a house or a condo where stuff could just be dropped off at my door. I wish I didn’t have to take my car out 2 or 3 times a week so the battery doesn’t die again. I wish this living nightmare would end.

Normally I spend my birthday with my mom and sister. Not this year. This pandemic messes with so many things that were once considered normal. Things that I’ve taken for granted.

My friend brought me lunch today. That was secondary to seeing him. I video chatted with my mom and sister which is definitely not the same as being there.

I’m not sad about not being able to see everyone today but I do wonder how many birthdays I have left and hope that at least one of them is close to the way they used to be.

A week ago my best friend moved away. 3 hours away. To some that may not seem far, to me it may as well be Russia.

We’ve lived close to each other, most of the time within 5 minutes of each other, for over 15 years. He’s been there for me out more often than I can count. He looked after me through my first bout of breast cancer when my sister couldn’t and when I got flu-like side effects from the bisphosphonate when I started my MBC treatment. He went with me to a lot of my CT and oncology appointments because I have a hard time going by myself. We’d have lunch after so I could decompress. He’s listed as a co-owner of Grady because at one point I could barely walk let alone lift anything so I couldn’t take him to the vet. He looked after him when I went out of town. We carpooled for years. We had dinner together at least once a week most of those years until the lockdown from the pandemic. We grocery shopped together. We share the same dark humour.

He was my muscle when I needed strong help, and my calm when I freaked out.

Yes, there’s text messages and video chats but no popping out for dinner or over for coffee. No comfort of knowing he’s just 5 minutes away. For him this might very well be a good thing. For me it just sucks.