My sister came with me to my ultrasound appointment today.  I do have something.  They think it might be scar tissue.  They called it “altered tissue”, whatever that means.  I’m supposed to go back in 6 months to have it checked again-or if it changes form.  This is a better outcome than I expected, but it still means more waiting.  I hate waiting.

I have a lump on the same side as I had cancer.  I have an ultrasound next Tuesday and I gotta say, I’m a little freaked out.  My Dr who doesn’t necessarily have the best “bedside manner” felt it and said “ya we better get an ultrasound.”  No mincing of words, no acting like it’s probably nothing.  No trying to not make me feel like it’s anything but cancer returning.

I keep hearing the surgeon saying last time that they were afraid it was too close to my ribs and they couldn’t leave a big enough margin around it that they were comfortable with.  This lump happens to be in the same area (if I had a boob) that it was last time but against my rib instead of in the boob itself.

When they called today I saw my phone vibrate and saw the Dr’s number come up, then saw the little message symbol.  Even though I’ve been waiting for them to call and tell me when my ultrasound appointment is, I was still shaking when I was talking to them.  Getting the appointment date seems to make it all official now and I really can’t ignore it anymore.

I would really like to go with it just being scar tissue or a blob of fat but inside I don’t think so.  Inside I feel like it’s cancer.  Again.  And I’m really trying to stay away from thinking that.  I really don’t want to go through all that stuff again.  Not so soon after the first time.

I hate the waiting game.  Wait for the ultrasound appointment to be booked.  Wait to have the ultrasound.  Wait to get the results of the ultrasound.

I really need this to be nothing.