I got my letter from the BC Cancer Agency after I got my phone call from them  basically repeating that I don’t have the breast cancer gene.   The letter says in part:
“The pattern of breast cancer in Connie’s family remains consistent with an inherited or familial pre-disposition; thus, an increased susceptibility for breast cancer cannot be ruled out for her and her family members.  We encouraged Connie to remain in touch with us over time to learn about any potential updates in testing methods or the availability of any new genetic testing.  Further, updating the Hereditary Cancer Program with any changes in the family history of cancer would contribute to an accurate assessment over time”
Then I got a call from them saying that they’d put my family’s history forward at one of their meetings to see if we’d be possible candidates for more cancer testing, specifically something called Li-Fraumeni syndrome.  It is rare and the genetic counselor said my family doesn’t meet all the criteria but they all agreed there was something up with our genes.  They will start with my mom because she’s had breast cancer twice.  If she has it they’ll start testing the rest of us.   I’m finding it all fascinating in a morbid sort of way.  Part of me is hoping we carry the gene because it would explain why so many of us have had cancer.  And if we do carry it then it’s possible we can help advance the research and treatment somehow.  I would do about anything to stop someone else having to go through what I did.
For a while I did carry the feeling that if I’d gotten checked out sooner,  maybe I wouldn’t have had cancer.  I know, I know, I couldn’t have ever stopped it from happening but the mind is a funny thing.  Going to the Hereditary Clinic and talking to them and actually seeing on paper how many of my family members have had cancer made me see that I didn’t have a choice in all this.  Like the counselor said to me at one point, it probably wasn’t a matter of if I got cancer, but when.
It’s been a year and a half since I was diagnosed but it still feels so close.   It still consumes parts of my days.  I try to not talk about it or make reference to it but it’s always in my face.  And trying to ignore it just doesn’t always make sense.  It happened to me.  It took over my life for the better part of a year.  That isn’t something I’m likely to forget.  I think I’m now understanding what it means to be a cancer survivor.