I went for my CT scan this morning. I was more stressed than usual ‘cause it was snowing. The tech tried to get the IV in and couldn’t. She only tried once. She didn’t want to keep poking me because of the trauma already caused by the bone scan injection. They take me down to Cancer Care hoping they have better luck.

Cancer Care has one of those handy dandy scanners that turn your veins neon. It appears I don’t have any 😦 She was able to finally find a vein on my arm, between my wrist and elbow. In goes the needle. As soon as she tried to flush with saline, my vein collapsed. She finds another vein. Same thing happens.

Knowing my veins suck, knowing I have scar tissue in a couple of them, knowing it’s not going to be any “easy” appointment and having a needle phobia, fighting the flight response is incredibly difficult. I was so stressed I was crying by the time they gave up. My arm is all bruised. People who say needles don’t hurt are just wrong. They do.

CT scan done without contrast. Not ideal, some things won’t show up but better than nothing. Apparently there’s a way to get the IV in using ultrasound and done by the radiologist but they need to be told when the appointment is booked. I’ll talk to my oncologist about it.

And more needles. Thursday I go for my injections. Monday I go for bloodwork. Each time a needle poke fails, my phobia ratchets up.

Had yet another bone scan yesterday. They’d moved my appointment ahead a day, siting shortage of techs so I had to be up at 5:45am to make the 7:45am appointment. I’m not a fan of mornings or driving for 35 minutes that early or driving in the dark.

Naturally, it took them two attempts to give me the injection. Bone scans used to be the easiest of all the scans and tests I have to do. Now they’re starting to kick in my anxiety as much as CT’s and bloodwork. It seems the more of all this stuff we do to keep track of the cancer growth, the higher my anxiety gets and the more I have to fight the flight response. Don’t even get me started on having to wait a week before I can see the results!

There is good news today. It may not be in time for me but it’s going to help a lot of other people. $440 million will go a long way toward helping BC cancer patients. https://news.gov.bc.ca/releases/2023HLTH0012-000229

I’ve always liked being alone. I’d get home from work on Friday, lock the door behind me and not come out again until Monday if I could help it. I preferred it that way. Being an introvert in an extrovert job took a lot out of me and I would need time to recharge myself.

When I had to quit work because of my diagnosis, the extra time to myself was definitely needed so I could focus more on my treatments and my health. I was and am still not lonely.

Lately, I’ve been anxious spending my nights alone. The other night I had a dizzy spell. I ended up calling my neighbour and she came over for about an hour with her blood pressure cuff 🙂 My blood pressure was fine and it turns out, dizziness is a side effect of the injections. I’ve told my neighbour I need a babysitter:(

Still…nights are really hard lately. I’m not lonely, I don’t want or need someone here to keep up a running dialogue with me. I just don’t want to be alone. I have anxiety attacks more at night. Not the debilitating kind, just slight nudges that take over your mind for a minute or two. I just feel I need(or want) someone here at night. Not sure how to remedy this new “thing” yet, but one of my mom’s favourite sayings was “It’ll all work out.” So I’m holding her to it.

My tumour markers are still climbing. Up 55 points from last month. I don’t think the Fulvestrant injections are working. To make me more anxious about it all, they’ve moved my oncology appointment from March 9th to March 28th.

My scans are at the end of this month so I’ll have a month to interpret them all on my own. I know how to do this but normally someone goes over them with me within a week of having them.

I know our healthcare system is struggling and I know some people have had their cancer treatments postponed because of it. I’m sure hoping I won’t be one of them.

I started this online journal mainly for my mom. Living so far apart, it was a way to keep her informed of my cancer progress honestly. Pulling no punches, but also to keep track for myself. It’s been harder and harder to write in here since she’s been gone, especially knowing that I won’t survive this. But there’s others that follow this so, for you, I’ll try to keep it current once again.

2 days ago I had my 4th dose(one injection in each butt cheek) of Fulvestrant and as usual, the injection sites are sore. The stuff is injected ice cold, slowly, a minimum of 60 seconds, per injection.

Since before Christmas I’ve been dealing with a lot of pain. Mainly in my lower back. It felt like I’d fractured something. Waiting for that to heal, and trying to be careful not to hurt myself more, I fractured a rib. Again. How do I know it’s fractured you ask? Because I’ve cracked it before, at least twice, so I know what it feels like. I have a CT scheduled for the 22nd and a bone scan onto 27th so I’ll know for sure then. My new normal is a notch up in pain.

My therapist/counsellor person has basically dared me to take better care of myself, or rather, letting others take care of me and asking for help when I need it. It’s a big ask of someone like me, but I’ve been working on it. My sister found me a house cleaner who does the floors and vacuuming for me-the things I struggle with. My awesome neighbour takes me to all my appointments because she doesn’t think I should go to them alone. I’m forcing myself to just stop when I get tired instead of trying to “push through” like I used to. There’s no such thing when your body is riddled with tumours. There’s just exhaustion when you push too far.

In June of last year I volunteered for our condo strata council, thinking it would be a nice easy way to give back and be involved. How wrong I was! Our president is just out of control and after many months of sleepless nights and highly stressful situations, I’ve resigned. The knot in my stomach from it is finally starting to go away.

I’m also working at taking care of “end game” things with my sister. We have an appointment with the bank to talk about estate accounts and we’ve had conversations about M.A.I.D. and when to end my treatment etc. I so want her to have as little to deal with as possible when I’m gone. It’s going to hurt enough, no need to drag it out when there’s things that can be taken care of now.

I have a phone appointment with my oncologist on March 9th. Truthfully, I’m not expecting good news because my tumour markers are going up. As much as I plan for these new crappy milestones, they’re still tough to get through.

Ending this on a good note, average life expectancy for someone with my cancer is 3 to 5 years. I’m in year 6 😊