Today was the first day I went out without my wig on. I was a little nervous about it. Having my wig with it’s fake long hair made me feel somehow more normal. But the wig was getting in my way, and it was getting itchy and at time, too hot and started to look and feel scraggly. My real hair is only about an inch or so long but I wasn’t going to wear a wig for the next 2 or 3 years until my own hair is long again so I gritted my teeth, grabbed my confidence and held it tight and walked out the door wigless.
I’m glad I did, it was time. People did look at me twice today before they recognized me but the comments I got boosted my confidence up just that much more. The short hair wasn’t by choice so I shouldn’t be ashamed of it. I think I finally feel healthy enough to have the short hair of a cancer survivor and be ok with it.

It’s 5 months since my last chemo treatment, almost 4 months since my last surgery and just over 2 months since my last radiation treatment. I’m less than a month away from the anniversary of my mammogram and needle biopsy. On days like today when my body doesn’t feel like mine and I look in the mirror and the face staring back at me is a stranger, I have to remind myself that the treatments are over but my body isn’t completely mine yet.
Every day I put one step in front of the other. Some days it’s easy, some days it’s almost as hard as my last chemo treatment was. I have to force each step and tell myself I can make it through this part just like I made it through treatment. One day my steps will be easy again. One day my body will forget the horrors it’s been put through.
I’m still new at this part, life after cancer. And I long for the day when I’m as used to it as I was to getting chemo and radiation.

I’ve been wondering lately if where I am is recovery or remission. Remission means that the cancer isn’t gone, it’s just dormant. For now? For good? They tell me they got all the cancer but they weren’t satisfied with the tiny margin of happy tissue that was left so I had more surgery and chemo and radiation and now hormone therapy, all to increase my chance of not getting cancer to 80%. Does that mean that I’m in remission because of the 20% chance I may get cancer again?
I’m recovering from surgery and chemo and radiation. They got all the cancer with the surgery they say, but killed off good cells along with possible bad ones with chemo then fried my skin for good measure. My body, mind and spirit are recovering from the abuse it’s been intentionally put through so that I can live a longer healthier (really?!) life.
Remission isn’t something I want to think about. Remission means there’s a chance the cancer will come back. Recovery means that eventually my scars will heal, my cells will rejuvenate, my body will get strong again.
Maybe I’m both.

I bought one of those cervical pillows Friday, the ones that look like a jelly roll only part way rolled up. My chiropractor suggested I get one because it might help me sleep better and she was right. I don’t remember waking up Friday night, and I only remember waking up once last night. Oh I’m still waking up in between 4 and 5 but that’s pretty much the only time now. But I’m still really tired. I’m tired all the time. I’m so tired of being tired.

Today wasn’t an especially good day. I was under a lot of stress but it didn’t mess me up like it would have before. My shoulder was killing me today and it depressed me. I’m just really tired of this chronic pain. I feel like my knees just got back into being almost normal and now my shoulder.
I did some reading and apparently this ‘frozen shoulder’ is common among mastectomy patients. What amazed me about what I read is that most people waited until they’d lost almost all mobility in their arm before they had it looked after. Then they’d be in physio for months or be getting cortisone shots or on some other drug. 2 or 3 weeks of being in pain with it was enough for me.
The chiropractor asked me today if the surgeon had warned me that this was a possibility and I said no. I really don’t know if I was told or not, I was told so many things. The exercises I have to do in between visits are similar to the ones I had to do after surgery so maybe I was told.
There’s 2 parts to my ‘condition’, the first has all these big words like Cervical spine facet joint fixations(possible underlying cervical radiculopathy) with suboccipital paraspinal..blah..blah..blah. The second in part is right shoulder impingement syndrome with right rotator cuff tendonitis (possible underlying…blah…blah…blah)
Whatever. It’s just another complication relating to the breast cancer causing me pain that with a little work and time and patience will eventually be ok. With a little bit of ‘chances of recurrence’ thrown in for good measure. I just get so tired of it all…

So a couple of weeks ago I woke up with what I thought was a pulled muscle behind my shoulder blade. This happens to me on a regular basis, always the same muscle. Usually it heals itself over a few days. Not this time. This time after the muscle felt better my shoulder was still sore so I thought maybe I had some bones outta whack. Wouldn’t surprise me really the way I’ve been contorting my body over the last 8 months.
I went to a chiropractor today who also does A.R.T. or Active Release Therapy. Turns out it’s my rotator cuff and she suspects I have the makings of a ‘frozen shoulder’. She did some A.R.T. on it today then suggested I ice it when I get home. It does feel better than it did but she warned me that it might feel worse before it gets better. I’m going back to see her Wednesday.
I know we’re only given as much as we can handle, but I’m tellin’ whoever it is that makes that decision that I’ve had enough thank you. I can’t handle anything else.

I bought a book called Picking Up The Pieces-Moving Forward After Cancer by Sherri Magee and Kathy Scalzo.It’s helping me understand most of the feelings I’ve been having. I understood that I was going to be different, not only on the outside but mainly on the inside. I’d hoped that who I was wouldn’t change. I wanted to be like my mom who seemed to almost treat breast cancer like just an inconvenience in her life. She has since told me that it was hard for her too but I never saw that. I’m not going to be like her with this and to me that really sucks. I liked my life the way it was, and I liked who I was.
The book has been helping. I’m starting to notice little changes in myself, the way I feel about things and how it’s different from before cancer and how to deal with it all. In an odd way I feel calmer than I did before, outside of my meltdowm a couple of weeks ago. Almost like my mind has learned to relax and not go at breakneck speed all the time.
Going back to work has helped immensely like I knew it would. I’ve always had an obsessive mind but being at work takes the focus off of what has happened to me at the same time as it’s given me back some of my confidence. Not focusing on myself but on the clients for those hours every day has given me back a sense of normalcy and taken away a lot of the helplessness I was feeling. Having breast cancer and treatment is still at the forefront of my mind all the time but for a few hours every day it gets 2nd place.

I’ve been putting in more hours a day at work this week. I’m up to full time now and I’m noticing I’m dealing with stressful situations differently than the old me did. Before I used to get twisted out and almost feel like I have tunnel vision. My fight or flight would kick in and I’d want to run away. Now? Now I find my anxiety level rises a little bit then goes away. The issues that come up are the same and just as stressful, but the sense of needing to get it all done perfectly as fast as humanly possible is gone. I’m only one person, and I’m not Wonder Woman. I used to get upset when I couldn’t please everyone. That seems to be gone too. Oh I still want everyone to be happy and work to make that happen, but I don’t take it as personally when it doesn’t pan out that way. I don’t think I’ll have to face anything ever again that is as stressful and ramps the anxiety levels as high as getting-and beating-cancer.