I’ve known that I’m immunocompromised but today was the first time my oncologist told me I was. That made it seem more real for some reason. He’s scheduling another CT for September. He knows I’m having issues with being out there, but like I told him, if it has to be done, I’ll just work through the anxiety it causes. He asked if I had anyone who could help me if I needed it, if something happened.

Not sure why my numbers are different than what my GP told me but my neutrophils are 1.0(the reason I’m immunocompromised) 😦 my tumour markers are 110 🙂 they went down by 5. I’m still considered stable. The office called me back for a follow-up and I got into an argument with her. “He” said 3 months. Told her it needs to be in weeks, 12 weeks because of my drug cycle. She was going to check with him and get back to me. She actually hung up on me. When she called me back, she said he was busy but she’d go with my weeks and let him know that. Whew! So the appointment is for October.

I thought having MBC was stressful, but having MBC during a pandemic is worse if that’s possible. I do everything Dr Bonnie tells us to, my bubble is tiny-it’s only me, social distancing isn’t an issue for me. I wear a mask when I go anywhere, I have hand sanitizer in the car and take a Clorox wipe with me so I’m not touching anything that doesn’t belong to me. I wash my hands like crazy when I come back home, I clean all my groceries, any yarn I get sits on my deck for 3 days before I’ll touch it. (This one is really hard to do..lol) but then I had to take my car in for servicing and wait for it to be ready (it’s a big building, basically Sales, and Service all in the same building with a partition wall between the 2 spaces and a super high ceiling), and I had to go to the hospital for blood work. Twice this month. Occasionally I go into a store when I can’t get what I need curbside. I fret for days after I’ve been out.

I told very few people I had MBC until the pandemic hit. Now I tell everyone so they’ll stay away from me. I try to see the end to all this and I can’t and I get exhausted trying. My therapist says it’s all about control-I can’t control it so I get messed up. I keep telling myself I’m doing everything right. I just want to make it to the other side of this. I don’t want to die before the pandemic ends.

When I went for blood work yesterday, I got the same nurse I had the last time I was there. She’s good, and kind, and helped me take my mind away from the fear. She said she remembered me, then made me laugh by saying they only remember the “nice ones”. We were talking about COVID and she says the longer it goes on, the more she feels like she’s going to get it. I may be immunocompromised but all the essential workers, store clerks, etc, I cannot even imagine how they’re dealing with this. For once I’m glad I can’t work.

My Dr tells me what the readings should be which helps. Mt kidney function is 58, should be 60. Knew that was low, there’s a cyst or something on one of my kidneys. White blood count is 2.2, should be 4. Never knew what this one should be before. This is good since I was riding around 1 for the longest time. Tumour markers are holding steady at 115. Still working their horrendous damage but at least they aren’t climbing.

Not sure why I feel better now. Could be because there’s no surprises. Could be because my white blood count is higher than expected which, for me, is huge. Means my immune system still has a little bit of fight left.

Have to go out tomorrow so I’ll be highly anxious again. Wonder if there will be a time when I will feel safe again.