I stayed up late last night reading but the trade off was sleepin’ in this morning. I had a good sleep and a good day. The scar still bugs me but I can deal with it. No aches and pains so I got some housework done. Basically just lazed around like it was a Sunday instead of a day of chemo residuals. Sis brought sushi over for dinner and brought me other gifts. Thank you! Tomorrow I call around about a wig. Hopefully I won’t have to pay for it up front-I’ve heard they’re expensive. Outside of the shedding I’ve been doing today, it’s been an all around good day.

Today I’m fixated on losing my hair. Mainly because I am. I know it now. I brushed my hair before I washed it and the brush was overloaded with hair. Brushed it after and same thing. Went out for a bit, came back home and the back of my sweater was covered in hair. I wonder how long it’s going to take before it looks like I’m losing my hair. The one thing that makes a female stand out as having cancer is the bald head. I don’t want to stand out. I’d rather strangers that look at me never knew I had cancer. Will I lose all or some of it? How long will it take to grow back to the length it is now? Will it grow back the same or different? It feels like this cancer just takes everything away. I’m ready for something to be put back.

All the breast cancer stories I see, ok, most of them, all talk about the survivors having a positive attitude. They got through it all with a positive attitude. How can someone have a positive attitude 24/7? I don’t think anyone can be that way all the time. I do see myself as being positive. I don’t have cancer anymore-that’s positive. I get perky boobs at 48-that’s positive. But on a day to day basis it’s hard to maintain that attitude when you’re in pain, or throwing up (ok, I’m positive about that because I haven’t vomited) or, like today when I think my hair may be falling out. I could be wrong and I hope I am, but it is inevitable. And it’s hard to turn going bald into a positive.

My joints ache today and I’m wondering if it’s the weather. Yesterday was nice out and I felt fine. Today it’s raining and my joints ache and the hand that they’ve been stuffing all the I.V’s into is aching too. Am I turning into one of those human weather vanes? I sure hope not. The weather on the west coast is too unpredictable for that.

I have a heat rash on my neck. I called the Cancer Clinic and yes, it’s another side effect of one of the chemo drugs. Picked up some cream and hopefully it’ll be gone in a day or so. If not, it’ll be yet another prescription.
I heard from the insurance company today. Finally. They’re waiting for medical records form the surgeon. She doesn’t think there will be a problem turning my disability claim over to LTD as she called it-long term disability. I still can’t believe I’m down for the count for this long. It really sucks.
I do feel better today but there’s going to be lingering effects from this chemo. Namely, joint pain. Just going to the pharmacy and doing a load of laundry today has my knees and hips aching. Oh well.
…and to all you people who send home food for me. You’re all wonderful! You have no idea how much easier y’all make this on me…thank you.

I didn’t take a sleeping pill last night but made out ok. I’m feeling better again today. My body is still tired, I can feel that, but it’s not screaming at me anymore. One thing I’ll have to be careful of for the duration of chemo is bacterial viruses. This is the cold and flu and bacteria season so it’s going to be a little challenging, what with Christmas and all. On the bright side, I’m not a ‘social butterfly’ and have no problem with ‘home alone’ nights over ‘party with friends’. And to be honest, it won’t be the first time I’ve done my shopping online 🙂 But still, there’s got to be a better way to kill cancer than by chopping off body parts and killing off other bits and pieces with injected chemicals into the blood stream and making me feel more vulnerable now than I did when I was diagnosed.

I haven’t really eaten much in the last few days outside of green grapes and sugar peas. They seemed to be the only things that even remotely tasted like food that didn’t carry a smell or require preparation of some sort. A friend was kind enough to bring me over some Chinese last night that for some reason I was craving. Thank you!
So I went to sleep last night without a sleeping pill, woke up 45 minutes later and took one. I woke up twice but that little pill grabbed my brain and put me back to sleep immediately with this really weird way of having me count sheep. Sorta. I saw a wall of shelves with pristine, shiny white blob like sculptures on them. My mind starting filling in the blank spots with red blobs. When that started, I felt content and went back to sleep. Really weird but somehow prophetic? My white and red blood cells rejuvenating themselves? Anyway, I slept until 7am. So that’s about 6 hours of real sleep. Finally. My state of mind is a little better for it, though my scars still feel tight and I still can’t sit or stand for any length of time without getting uncomfortable. The bone pain is also just a whisper today. I’ve got 2 weeks to get into a frame of mind where I’ll even go to the next chemo treatment. If I had to go today I’d have a meltdown. This is all too much. Seriously.

My grandmother’s memorial is today. Sorry I can’t be there Gran. I’ll miss you and I’ll always tell the stories that remind me of you, fresh cows milk, sows chasing me and the real way to butcher a chicken among a few.
Saw my surgeon today. My scars are fine, it’s a reaction to the chemo that I’ll have to live with. She’s suggested I massage them with cream. She offered up sleeping pills again. This time I bit. I so need to sleep longer than 2 hours at a stretch. I know it’s causing me more fatigue and crying than I’d be doing under normal conditions. I need sleep and energy. A side effect of the sleeping pills? A metallic taste in my mouth. Ya. I already have that thanks. More won’t matter if I get more sleep. I’ve got gum to deal with the taste. ‘Bout the only good I see in all this right now is I’m one of the lucky ones and am not ‘vomiting’. Besides that? Sorry, don’t see any benefit to all this at this point. I did not bargain for a week here and there of feeling good and the rest, feeling really crappy.

3 days of excruciating pain, 1 day of incredible pain. 1 day of ‘I’m ok’ pain. If my scars would quit hurting I’d say today was a good day. Except for the exhaustion. I haven’t been able to sleep for more than 2 hours at a stretch for days. I’m trying to stay upright for as long as possible to get my strength back but I’m so tired I don’t last very long before I’m lying down again. I have a dr’s appointment tomorrow. Let’s hope I have enough energy for it.

The pain in my knees and hips is tolerable now, but that could be because of the tylonal. Still pins and needles where my scars are. I’ll ask the dr about that Monday when I see her. I really need to sleep tonight. 2 hours at a stretch isn’t doing me any good.