I feel more coherent today.  Far less pain too.  Almost none really.  There is a fair amount of stiffness and I almost have full mobility of my arm but boy do I get tired and really quickly.  My recovery seems to be going quickly but my down time is still going to be as long.  Like my sis says, my body is healing even if I do feel good and that will tire me out.

I don’t plan on going out in public until the drain is out, I’m to see the surgeon on the 8th or 9th for that.  The worst part so far is having to dump the drain.  I’ve gagged every time I’ve had to do it.  And today I’m having fears of swelling or infection happening.

I don’t think I can get used to not having a boob.  I haven’t been able to look at the bandage in the mirror yet.  I guess I’m a little depressed but I’m sure that’s all part of the trauma my body is going thru.

Been home since just after 3 today.  Really tired but the pain is only about a 3 or 4 🙂  All the hospital staff seemed amazed that I wasn’t taking pain meds and looked so good.

Yesterday was another day of waiting.  Waiting for the dye injection cause they were behind.  Waiting for the surgery cause no one told me it wasn’t till 1pm.  I couldn’t have come home last night.  No way no how.  I couldn’t even stay awake.  Today I’m just exhausted, they were waking me up every couple of hours to check my vitals.  And I’m very uncomfortable.  And it bugs me to look down and not see a curve on my chest that I’ve had for 34 years.  But the doc only took one node and said it all looked really good and I’m more mobile than expected.

Now I’m going to sleep.  Again.

One of the things I’ve been dealing with is not blurting out that I have cancer, especially when a client is lamenting their lives, you know, they work too much, they’re tired, their children/husband/boss expect too much or doesn’t understand them.  Yes, even tho I’m a computer tech, when you’ve been dealing with the same clients for as long as I have, they can sometimes think of me(us) as counselors of sorts, or a type of friend.  It’s all said in passing during the call and happens to most of us.  I listen and coo at them.  Or a store clerk asking how I am and I just say ‘fine’.  I wonder what all these people would say if I ‘shared’ my problem with them.   Oh to only have to worry about being tired or overworked….
Lately clients have been asking if I’m getting holidays this summer.  All I says is yes and leave it at that.  If they only knew…

This really isn’t any fun.  Not that I expected it to be but I’m an obsesser.  I am a software tech support person and that’s how I solve the really difficult problems I come across on occasion-by obsessing about them.  By thinking about them, testing out solutions, doodling about them.  Even dreaming about them until I find a solution.  Granted, for the most part I can ask a co-worker and between the 2 of us, we can fix an issue in a matter of minutes but once in a while there’s an issue that no-one has a solution to that needs in depth thinking.   Some people would call it a problem solving skill.  I call it obsessing.  But it ain’t working with cancer.  I’m not getting any solutions.  And no co-worker can help me find one.  I can take the same steps, deal with it like an equation.  A+B =C but no matter how I think on this I can’t come up with ‘C’ except that it stands for cancer.  It doesn’t stand for an answer.  There’s no solution.   And I’m tired of obsessing.  Giving it over to the powers that be and the surgeons is going to happen on Thursday, but I can’t seem to let go until then.  For now I obsess.

4 days till my surgery.  3 work days left.  Funny but it has snuck up on me fast.  Today I’m wishing I had more time.  Not sure what for but just more time.   The anxiety that slaps me in the back of the head numerous times a day is making me want to run and hide or pretend this isn’t happening.  It’s hard sometimes to be ‘brave’ when I can’t control what is going to happen or don’t KNOW what is going to happen.   Even when I’m away from actual conversation with people, the conversation is continual in my head.  I’m almost to the point of being sick of it.  I want a new book with a new chapter to start from, with a better ending.  This mystery novel is too long and I can’t seem to skip pages to get to the end faster.

So I created a form on the subscribe tab for those that asked.  Personally, I think it’s just lazy doing it that way 🙂  But whatever.  You asked, you got.

Did some fun stuff and some not so fun stuff today.  And I washed my car, I love my car.  If I’m having a bad morning as soon as I get in and start it I feel better.  It’s still new to me and mine!  And reliable.  Tomorrow will be my day for spring cleaning, you know, all the hard stuff, wash floors and windows, vacuum, unclutter.  Though knowing me, it’ll be back to clutter by Monday night.

I have the internal shakes again.  The surgery is getting close.  And the tumor is bigger yet.  I can’t wait to get it out of me but part of me is definitely going to miss my boobs.  I’ve never been one for fake body parts.  Now I’m gonna have ’em.  I wonder if I’m going to feel as fake as they are?  Will I still worry that the cancer will come back after it’s all said and done?  Will I feel ..normal..?

So I’ve had requests to somehow allow people to get notified when I add a new post.  I’m trying to get it to work, but it’s being a little difficult and I’m not sure if it’s working or not.  When it is, I’ll let you know.

It’s a hard thing for me to graciously accept help when it’s offered, living alone for as long as I have you kinda don’t rely on anyone else but yourself.  But, today a generosity was offered to me by some co-workers, they’ve offered to cook meals for me while I’m recovering.  Normally I would say ‘No, I don’t need it, I’ll be fine.”  This time I accepted.  Thank you 🙂

To add to my pile I had a tooth crack a week or so ago.  Had to go to the dentist today, it was the only opening he had before my surgery.  I so hate needles.  Me who wants another tattoo hates needles…LOL Here’s a platitude for you mom…  Face your fears and do it anyway.

So in a week I’ll be having my  surgery.  I feel like I’ve been waiting months for it rather than weeks.  I just wanna get it over with.