This has been the hardest year I’ve ever had personally. Both my mom and an aunt had breast cancer surgery in the beginning of the year. I was with mom through her surgery-her second time with breast cancer-and recovery. My sister was with her through the radiation.
Then this summer it got me. I’ve had 2 surgeries and chemo therapy and am about half way through what needs to be done to me. My first chemo treatment coincided with my grandmother’s memorial which I’m sure, made it a little more difficult. Not only having to miss it, but not having any family members around me. I’m hoping the rest of whatever treatment lies ahead for me is easier.
It is truly amazing how much pain the human body can endure but when does the mind and spirit change from it all? Cancer has taken away my boobs, my hair, my body shape, my short term memory at times, my ability to be totally independent, my piece of mind and my dignity. In return it’s given me a partly fake body, from the wig to the implant(s), a low tolerance for bacterial infections, a poor body image, and a whole lot of pain. For this trade off I get to call myself a Cancer Survivor. I don’t think we get to claim that title from conquering cancer, I think we get to hold it from everything that happens to us after the diagnosis. The diagnosis was easy. The treatment is the part we need to survive.
Unfortunately the last half of this year has been all about me. The first half of next year will be too. I’m not enjoying the attention at all. So many people have helped me through this, some in little ways, some in big, when it’s all said and done and I have my life back it will be payback time.

10 days into recovering from chemo. I’ve tried to keep my mind active today and leave my body alone. I don’t really feel any better physically but I’m making myself crazy day in and day out trying to force my body to do what it’s just not going to. My chemo mouth is almost gone which tells me the rest of the healing is on it’s way too. I just gotta be patient. And trust that my knees will heal, that they won’t stay like this permanently.

I’m so done with this. I know I’ve said it often, but once again, I’m so done with this. I keep hoping I’ll wake up and be able to at least walk to the bathroom without my knees feeling like they’re going to give out on me from the pain, but that’s not today. It needs to happen soon because it’s starting to depress me again. I need a break from all this. If I’m lucky I’ll have a few days before radiation starts. For now, I’m just done with it all, even if it is my last chemo.

So along with the knee pain, my fingertips and the big toes on my feet are tingling and a little numb. Could be nerve damage but I’ll have to wait and see if it goes away. I gotta say, I’m just so sick and tired of being sick and tired. This last time seems to be the worst to deal with.

So it’s been a week and I’m getting more impatient and more frustrated. I know I’ve got another week of this before I call myself human. Until then I shuffle from room to room and stay uncomfortable. But I’m done with chemo. Just gotta wait it out.
Mom has been here twice a day for me since last week. I may not talk much when she’s here and I’m a little more short tempered than I’d like but I’m glad she was here. It’s nice to have your mommy when you don’t feel good. She goes home tomorrow and I’m gonna miss her.

I love food. I love cooking. I can spend hours watching the Food Network or looking up recipes. I was never big on really spicy food, like chili or acidy food like tomato sauced stuff but this chemo mouth is messing me up. I’m becoming obsessed. My diet through this is supposed to be high protein, but the food I would normally eat is off limits and the stuff I would eat once in a while is at the forefront because of the taste. Before chemo I loved garlic sausage. Now I can’t stand it, all I taste is the fat even after the chemo effects have worn off. I’m hoping I love it again someday. Eggs relatively taste the same so I can eat them, and pork ribs are still ok as long as I put a spice mix on them. Chicken is out until the chemo effects wear off and even then I find it really bland. I’m afraid to try vegetables because I’ve always loved them raw and cooked, but I’m thinkin’ I’ll take a shot at a salad tonight. Anything with mayonnaise is out. Grilled cheese with tomatoes and mustard is in (there’s the acid). Green grapes are in, lots of green grapes being eaten here. I’ve totally stayed away from beef. It’s my food of choice, a nice piece of prime rib or grilled steak or a perfectly cooked roast…yum! I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let my chemo mouth mess with my beef!

Today is normally one of the worst days in the chemo cycle and it’s proving to keep it’s word. Under usual circumstances, being Christmas, I’d be looking for a way to get out of all the people and festivities. I’m not a people person and have always found Christmas to be more anti-climactic and annoying than enjoyable. It’s funny what you miss when you can’t have it rather than don’t want it.

Mom brought over dinner and my xmas eve presents to open tonight. I’m so fatigued and my knees hurt that I wasn’t able to quickly open the stocking stuffers. It took me quite a long time but definitely makes me appreciate it all more.

As expected the pain is worse today, the taste buds are shot and my sleeping pattern is out of whack. This is my last treatment and I’m gonna make it through this and the holidays without a meltdown.

Fatigue has kicked in now and I’m tired. My knees aren’t so bad yet, but I can’t stand long again. Tomorrow will let me know how bad it’s gonna get. Mom game to visit and cooked for me. With all the Xmas activity starting up, I kinda feel bad that I need to be taken care of and take up other people’s visiting time.
My aunt got her genetic tests back for the breast cancer gene. She’s negative but they still want me to get tested.