It is one year ago today that I had my first surgery for breast cancer. I’ve been thinking about what’s changed for me in that time and what I expected to change.
I did expect to lose both boobs but thought I’d have 2 new ones in their place. I never expected to be boobless. It’s been an adjustment, both physically and mentally but I have to say, losing my hair is still the thing I focus on. I sometimes wonder if it’s because I can hide the fact that the boobs are gone but the hair? Not so much.
I expected my body to change. I did think I’d gain more weight than I have. I did not expect my legs to be the big issue for me. Once I knew I was in menopause I expected the hot flashes, but don’t think I’ll ever get used to them. I’m glad the majority of them happen at night.
I’ve joined a gym rather than just visiting it. I came to the realization that my legs and body are not going to fix themselves. They need help. 4 or 5 days a week I go on a treadmill for a half hour. It’s only been a few weeks but I’m starting to notice the difference. When I started it was at a slow crawl for 15 or 20 minutes and I was done. So it is helping. (thanks my friend :))
Having cancer has also made me closer to my mom and my sister. They were there for me when I needed, and my sister, who I know didn’t feel like it, was my strength. She may have been more afraid of what was happening to me than I was but she never showed that to me, she showed me humour instead. My friend did more for me than a friend normally would, and still is pushing me to get better. These may be the only things I’m grateful for from this journey. I hope they know if they ever need me I’ll be there for them like they were for me.
Having cancer has changed other things for me too. I find that where stress used to sit like lumps in the pit of my stomach for days only makes me tired now. And I’m going to try flying again next year. Something I’ve been too afraid to do for a while now.
I do still get scared of recurrence. Since I’m not 100% clear, only 80%, I wonder if the cancer will come back. If it came back within the next couple of years I don’t know if I could go through this again. I haven’t come to any conclusions on that only to know I’d have to do some serious thinking on it. I am now part of a very large, and still growing cancer ‘family’. Like most families, you don’t get to choose them, you just learn to live with them and see the best in them.

I was asked this week if (and I’m sure I got it worded wrong here, but this is the gist) I felt like I had to cheat death more. You know, sky-diving, bundgy jumping, that sort of thing. The answer is no. I never wanted to do those things before I got cancer and I still don’t want to do them.
I’m not sure what the outside looks like but the changes I see in me are all internal. I don’t feel stress the same way, my whole day isn’t ruined by it. I feel it for a few minutes then do what I gotta do and get over it. I don’t feel out of control. I don’t feel panicky where I used to, in crowds, thinking of flying in an airplane, not being in control of situations where I didn’t have control in the first place.
Has having cancer made me value life more? I hate to say it but I don’t think so. I still don’t have a bucket list, I don’t feel the need to go out and do things because who knows where I’ll be next year. I still don’t have all my ducks in a row. I still view having had breast cancer as a huge inconvenience that disrupted 8 months of my life. I don’t see it as a wake-up call to be a better person for what remains of this life. I don’t feel the need to make any changes to who I am or what I do.
Yes, having cancer, and beating it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do but not to the point where I’ve had a life altering epiphany. I am still me. I may be self-conscious of having short hair and no boobs. But I am still me.

It’s been hard for me to lose the extra weight I’ve gained and hard for me to feel even remotely healthy on the back side of having cancer. It’s hard to go shopping even. Altho it isn’t one of my favorite pastimes but it would be nice to be able to go through the store without my legs killing me, from my hips on down to my heels. It would even be nice to not have a hot flash every time I exert even a little energy.
So I started going to a gym tonight at the urging of a friend. I’m not doing much, just using the treadmill but I’ve read that one of the best things you can do is walk. So I walked for 20 minutes tonight. At this point, I don’t even care if I lose the weight, I just want my body to feel healthy again. Hopefully in a month or so I’ll be able to walk for an hour without my legs feeling like they’re going to give out on me. And maybe, if I’m really lucky, I can minimize these hot flashes and night sweats.

I’m almost 4 months into recovery. That’s almost half the time I spent off work because of cancer. For the most part I’m feeling good. I can go through my days feeling like I’m normal and nothing bad happened to me. On the outside I look fine. My colour is back, my short hair has become part of my new look, the fatigue is almost all gone and I can make it to bedtime, although it’s 2 hours earlier than it was before cancer, without a nap.
Most days I try not to talk about having had cancer unless someone brings it up. I guess I’m afraid people either don’t want to hear about it anymore, they think I should be over it by now or never understood it in the first place or the symptoms I feel are related to menopause and or getting old.
But rarely does an hour go by without some reminder of it having been the controller of my life for 8 months. I still struggle occasionally with finding the words I need, I still sleep lots on weekends, I still can’t walk as far as I used to without my knees hurting like crazy and I still lose my balance (with and without the foobs). As much as I’d like to think these are because of menopause or aging, I know that they’re because of cancer and treatment.
I still have days where I’m just tired and I just want to cry some more. Days where I get scared of cancer coming back. Days I’m not sure if I can deal with it all or not. On those days I spend a lot of time telling myself I did it-I got through cancer and treatment. I’m ok and getting better every day. Cancer will soon be a distant memory.
The thing is, cancer and the treatment of it has become my Siamese twin. It’s with me every waking minute, it wakes me in the middle of the night, it walks with me where ever I go and it doesn’t wash off with soap and water. But it’s invisible to everyone else so I try not to mention it anymore.