November and December are difficult months for me. 2 years ago in November I had a bone scan that showed the MBC. I was able to see the scan, able to see the bright white of the cancer and it was a punch to the gut. I didn’t see the oncologist until December for the “official” results but did see my GP who confirmed what I knew.

I’ve also started seeing a counselor. Took a bit to find one that could understand my situation but I found her. I’ve only had one session with her but so far we mesh. It’s going to be interesting having her as part of my journey. She’s genuine and promises she’s the “queen of letting go”. She asked what my “end game” would look like. For me it’s a cabin in the woods with a fireplace, a TV, and my yarn and cat where I can just fade away. At her suggestion, I shared this with my mom and sister. They weren’t surprised by it.

Last week I went home and spent time with my mom. My sister and niece picked me up from the ferry so I was able to talk to my sister too. About what I want and don’t want at the end of all this. I’ve let them know I don’t want them to have to look after me. I want to be in a hospice or the hospital but not in their homes. I don’t think it’s fair to them. It’s going to be a hard enough time for them to deal with as it is, them being with me 24/7 would just suck. I want them to visit only when they feel they can. I love my family with all my heart and don’t want to put them through any more heartache than necessary. And I’m fine being mostly alone.

One of my aunts drove me back to the ferry so she was trapped with me and had to listen to me ramble on about having MBC 🙂 Seriously, it was really nice to spend some alone time with her. We haven’t had a chance to do that in a long time.

I won’t be going home for Christmas. It’s never been my favorite time of year and this year there isn’t anyone to look after my cat. Mom isn’t pleased but I’m not disappointed about it, instead, I’m actually looking forward to being alone.

Unless there is some divine miracle, because of my last few blood tests, I know that the Ibrance is on the downward slope and is starting to not work anymore so I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about my next steps. I’m pretty sure my next treatment will be chemo. I don’t like chemo. Hated it the first time. It was painful and I was so sick. I don’t want to be there again. To me that isn’t quality when it comes to living, being bed-ridden for a week. Maybe I’ll try it once and see what happens, maybe I won’t. We’ll see.

Been also thinking about organizing my life, “getting my affairs in order” as they say. There’s a book I’m going to buy to help with that. I’ve also got a computer program to record (video and audio) messages to my family.

Having to make tough choices that impact everyone around me really sucks. Having to be completely selfish because of MBC really sucks. Having MBC just really sucks.

I went to the company Christmas party last night.  I went with someone I have worked with for the entire time I was there.  She comes up from Washington once or twice a year and the Christmas party is one of them.  We try to do dinner or something outside of work when she’s here.  Over the years of working together, we’ve become friends.  Unfortunately she had to drive to the party.  My night vision has gotten worse and it was really stressful just driving out to meet her for dinner.

It was so nice to see everyone else and to feel genuinely missed at work.  To feel part of it again.

Today I’ve spent mostly in bed.  I feel stiff and sore and so tired, I can see me going to bed super early tonight but I wouldn’t have missed going at all.