I just took the last Ibrance of my second bottle. Now I have 7 days of just the Letrozole. Hopefully this time my white blood cells work their way back up in their numbers. Not sure what the plan will be if they don’t.
I had my 6 week radiation check up last week. I won’t be going back there unless more radiation will work and is needed.
I work every day at trying to feel normal and trying to act like I don’t have METS because after all, I don’t look like I have terminal cancer and I’d like to not think about it all the time but trying isn’t working. It’s almost like PTSD every time I have to go to Abbotsford or have blood work done or see my oncologist. I have to force myself to every visit because I hate it being front and center of my life. If I don’t go to these appointments then it isn’t happening. But I go and it upsets me for a day or 2 before and after. The buzz words are always “prolong your life” and “quality of life” and such and I know when it comes down to it, those buzz words can only be interpreted by me.
I do know that I would like to spend a couple of years pretending I’m just retired and not fighting a terminal disease but I don’t even know when to start doing that. I know I need to find someone to talk to but I start looking for a group or something and get side-tracked with reports and stats and personal stories and get upset at what I find so I stop.
I wonder if I will ever figure this whole thing out and only be upset sometimes instead of most of the time.

I still feel overwhelmed sometimes. I wonder if people see me differently or is it just me that sees myself differently. Sure, I’m not using the cane anymore but my hip and shoulder still hurt. Not nearly as bad, I’m not taking painkillers, but it still hurts and it’s a constant reminder of the cancer that is going to kill me.
I would love to wake up tomorrow and not have my first thought and action be measuring my level of pain, waiting for it to get bad again. I would love to go to sleep tonight and not be able to feel the weirdness in my pelvis when I lie down.
I’m sure for some people not knowing how long they have works for them but for me it sucks. I feel sometimes, like today, that the world is spinning around me and I am at a standstill. It’s too overwhelming to determine what’s important or what matters the most, what do I plan for or not plan for. Do I still need to worry about deadlines and promises and bills and saving money? Does any of it really matter anymore?
How long will I be standing still?

Went for my monthly checkup with the oncologist today. The good news is the tumor markers are down which means that the Ibrance and Letrozole combination appears to be working and suppressing the progression of the cancer. For now. He’ll send me for a CT scan at about the 3 month mark of taking the drugs to confirm. He won’t rely on just the markers.
The bad news is my white blood cell count is down. Right about where they would suggest a change in my treatment. Either a lower dose of Ibrance or a longer break after taking it for 21 days. Currently that break is 7 days.
The way he explained it to me is chemo kills the white cells but Ibrance just blocks them from being there. Usually the 7 day break lets them flood back into my system, but apparently not enough in my case.
He’s going to leave my drug regime as it is for another month and then re-assess if needed.

So since Friday I haven’t really needed my cane. I still need it for stairs but that’s about it. I still pack it around with me because I don’t trust my hip. I want to be ready if it starts really hurting again.
I’ve traded my cane for sore teeth 😦 I’m not sure if it’s a reaction to what I’m taking or just because my teeth are and have always been bad. 2 of them are loose too. Guess I’ll find out more on Tuesday when I see the oncologist.

Mom had her mastectomy today. She’s still in the hospital but she’s doing good.
Sometimes I think I’m better off than the members of my family who don’t or haven’t had cancer. I don’t have to be afraid all the time wondering if I’m going to get it. I have it. No wondering here.