I haven’t driven since about the end of May. Occasionally I’d let my sister take my car home but I’ve always wanted it back. Rarely have I let anyone borrow it. Today I let my niece’s boyfriend take it for a weekend away with my niece. Next week I will be gifting my car to my sister. In good conscience, I’m not able to drive safely anymore. I can’t walk without a cane and each week my ankle gets worse. My neck hurts if I move my head fast and I can’t do a proper shoulder check.

Giving up my car hurts. Really hurts. It means giving up more control because this cancer is taking over. It’s taking over a lot faster then I’m prepared to accept right now.

Not long after my mom died, my sister said I wasn’t allowed to die for 2 years. Afterwards she said she wasn’t serious but that’s been my goal. I’ve gone downhill so quickly this year that it really troubled me that I might not make it but it looks like I will. Mom died 2 years ago the end of November.

My M.A.I.D. application hasn’t gone through yet either and I’m not sure why not. I’ll have to get the palliative dr to find out why the next time I speak to her.

Home Care is going to refer an Occupational Therapist to me. They’ll assess my home and me and make recommendations for changes if needed and find ways for me to function better. Even though moving around on my tumoured ankle is difficult, I’m really not ready to have someone come in and help me bathe, fix “heat and eat” meals and all that yet.

I’m not happy giving up control of what I have. I’m not ready to give up more. It just really sucks and I’m fighting depression, trying to remain level emotionally. I find myself just feeling numb most days.