I’m first up in the morning, my surgery is at 8am. I have to be there at 7. At least no free time to fret like last time. I’ll be doing that all tonight. I’m looking for reasons to skip the whole implant thing but that’s all it is, is excuses. I know I’m doing the right thing by getting a mastectomy on the right side too. Better now when I can deal with it than later when I might not be able to. I think I’m just more apprehensive this time because I know what to expect. The wanting to throw up when I wake up, the leg thingies that are like casts, the IV and immobility for a day. It all sucks but I know the ending will be ok. I’m only supposed to be in for one night again, hope that’s true.
Month: August 2011
food for thought
When I was 30ish I had a tubal pregnancy and surgery. The surgeon told me the surgery was similar to a C section. He also said they liked smokers because they heal faster cause they’re more motivated to get out of bed. My incision healed fine. I know of other smokers who have had surgery and it’s all worked out fine. I’m gonna go with that. We smokers heal faster cause we’re more motivated. That will be my new mantra. I won’t worry about the implants failing.
depressed
Ok, so I’m depressed. I’ve been doing things to ignore it, knitting, making a bracelet, web design, and nothing shuts down my mind enough to not dwell on what’s going or not going to happen. I don’t feel useful. I basically sit around all day and when I do “get out” it only reminds me of how abnormal I look and how much really lays ahead for me. I’ve tried “fake it till you make it” and the fakeout ain’t working. I am so tired of it all and it’s far from over. 3 more days.
count down
4 days to go. I know what to expect, sorta. This surgery will obviously be a bit different. All I can do is hope for the best that the implant works. Not sure what I’ll do if it doesn’t. I’m just so tired of all this. The day in, day out, of not much of anything. At least with the surgery I’ll have something different going on. I’m trying to not get anxious about it all. I’m hoping that by staying calm, it will all go ok.
you need to get out
I hear this so often now that I’m home all the time. “You need to get out, you’ll feel better.” “Go for a walk, you’ll feel better.” And so on. My question is why will this make me feel better? I go out and feel worse more often than not. It’s summertime. It’s hot out. Everyone is wearing t-shirts and halter tops. I can’t. Or I should say I won’t. I don’t want people to see that I’ve only got one boob. So I wear loose shirts, layered, to add bulk where I need it. No. “Get out, you’ll feel better.” doesn’t work. It makes me feel worse. I prefer to stay home. Where I don’t feel self-conscious about what’s going on, and I don’t have to answer questions and I don’t have to talk about it. I’m having enough of an issue with this smoking/not smoking thing to add to it with wishing I looked normal too.
wow
Less than a week and I have surgery. Again. I so wanted to not be smoking by now. No such luck. Oh well, I’ve at least cut way down, half of what I was smoking 2 days ago. That’s gotta count for something.
I wonder what the implants are going to feel like. Normally they’re added to the existing breast. In my case it’s replacing them. What stopped me from getting them before was that they looked fake and were made of silicone. Now I have a reason for them looking fake or even being fake so I don’t feel bad about them in that way. I do truly wish I did not need them though.
nope
Couldn’t do it. Made it a day without a smoke. That’s it. Not even the threat of failed surgery can make me quit. Go figure. Not sure what to do now. Maybe cut back? I wish the surgeon had been of the same mindset as the plastic surgeon. She didn’t seem to see it as a big of deal as he did. Yup, that’s an excuse, but one that was given to me. Well, we’ll see what tomorrow brings.
so far
Had last cigarette over 7 hours ago. Hoping I can at least make it overnight. One hour, one minute at a time. The urge to smoke is overshadowing everything right now. The acupuncture worked, I’m not going thru withdrawals but I AM fighting a huge habit. And I have no willpower. We’ll see how it goes.
will I…
So many will I’s and wonder if’s going on today. I got a call from the surgeon’s office. I’m first operation on September 1st so it’s official. The secretaries, who do the booking and the talking seem to think the plastic surgeon won’t see me before the surgery.
Tomorrow I have my acupuncture appointment. Tomorrow I join another group-the non-smoking group. I sure hope it works. I really don’t want the implants to fail. I got a small taste of that from the last surgery. I really don’t want any more surgeries than are necessary. They aren’t on my bucket list!
Sometimes I wonder if I’m taking this all as seriously as I should be, after all, it IS cancer. But then, me bemoaning the fact that I have cancer continually, won’t do me or anyone around me any good. For sure, I have a little fear, but for some reason it’s more of an inconvenience than a life-threatening issue. I wonder if that’s a good thing…
more tests
As far as I know my next surgery is Sept 1st. They were gonna call me this afternoon just to confirm. No phone call so I assume it’s a go. She thinks the plastic surgeon will want to see me before, to ‘look at the area’. She’s also scheduling a bone and liver scan. I didn’t ask what those are for but I again assume, and mom agreed that it’s for the chemo. I’ve also got an appointment with an acupuncturist on Wednesday to quit smoking. Gonna be a busy 1o days. That’s a good thing. The busier I am, the faster the day gets here, the less time I have to dwell.
Connie's Breast Cancer Journey 