I haven’t written much since the pandemic hit. It’s been, and is, really hard to get my thoughts in any sense of an order. I thought having MBC was bad. Having it while trying to live during a pandemic is next to impossible when it comes to controlling my anxiety.

I had to go the hospital for bloodwork today for my cholesterol. I’ve been there a couple of times since this hit, but the questions they ask before they let you in still throw me. Any new cough, fever, shortness of breath? Been around someone with covid? Loss of sense of taste or smell? At this point I tell them I’m stage 4, my sense of smell and taste have been off for 2 years. Then my anxiety rises because I have to sit in the same chairs as other people and hope they’ve disinfected before me. Not sure what my Dr did but they took 6 vials of blood today. Guess I’ll find out when I talk to him on Thursday.

I have to go for more bloodwork in 2 weeks for my cancer so that’s adding to the anxiety, knowing I have to be around more people again and wondering what he’s going to say about my numbers. Will I continue with this treatment? Will he drop the dosage? I’m so tired all the time I know my numbers are all out of whack.

Stopped on my way home to pick up my groceries that I’d pre-ordered but had to go into the store to get my cigarettes. Apparently I set up a pickup time too early for the staff to get them out of the lock boxes.

Got home and disinfected everything. Washed my hands so many times they’ve completely dried out.

Now I freak out for the next 2 days waiting for whatever virus I didn’t get off my food to die.

When I go out anywhere, I wear a mask and I make sure that no one comes near me, or I don’t go near them. Except the checkout clerks. But is that enough? Not that I go anywhere. I get groceries and the odd curbside pickup for yarn. And my bubble is tiny. Just me. And a visit with my friend 2 weeks ago with “social distancing” and my niece, outside with social distancing. I haven’t spent any other time with someone I know outside of this. Being alone doesn’t bother me, all the other stuff does.

I really do try to not let my thoughts get out of hand, I know that everyone else is really anxious about covid too, but geez. I really wish I didn’t have to worry about it and my cancer. I wish I lived in a house or a condo where stuff could just be dropped off at my door. I wish I didn’t have to take my car out 2 or 3 times a week so the battery doesn’t die again. I wish this living nightmare would end.

Normally I spend my birthday with my mom and sister. Not this year. This pandemic messes with so many things that were once considered normal. Things that I’ve taken for granted.

My friend brought me lunch today. That was secondary to seeing him. I video chatted with my mom and sister which is definitely not the same as being there.

I’m not sad about not being able to see everyone today but I do wonder how many birthdays I have left and hope that at least one of them is close to the way they used to be.

A week ago my best friend moved away. 3 hours away. To some that may not seem far, to me it may as well be Russia.

We’ve lived close to each other, most of the time within 5 minutes of each other, for over 15 years. He’s been there for me out more often than I can count. He looked after me through my first bout of breast cancer when my sister couldn’t and when I got flu-like side effects from the bisphosphonate when I started my MBC treatment. He went with me to a lot of my CT and oncology appointments because I have a hard time going by myself. We’d have lunch after so I could decompress. He’s listed as a co-owner of Grady because at one point I could barely walk let alone lift anything so I couldn’t take him to the vet. He looked after him when I went out of town. We carpooled for years. We had dinner together at least once a week most of those years until the lockdown from the pandemic. We grocery shopped together. We share the same dark humour.

He was my muscle when I needed strong help, and my calm when I freaked out.

Yes, there’s text messages and video chats but no popping out for dinner or over for coffee. No comfort of knowing he’s just 5 minutes away. For him this might very well be a good thing. For me it just sucks.

Anyone who knows me, knows how much I hate spiders. I’ve walked into webs face first, had them crawl across my face, bite me, and in general, scare the b-jeeezus out of me. I am so afraid of them that I usually can’t kill them and instead, enlist the help of my current pet to get rid of them. Then they sit there for a day or 2 just so I can make sure they’re dead before I get rid of the body. Then I get the heebee jeebees from having had to pick the dead thing up, even if it is in a ton of toilet paper, so I can flush him out of my life.

Here’s the thing….a little spider has built a web on my balcony between the railing and the upper deck. I broke the web once but he came back. Now I’ve been watching him. He comes out every day, usually in the early afternoon as long as it isn’t raining and he’ll repair the middle of the web, sometimes moving it higher, sometimes lower. Then he sits there and waits for his meal to show up. When he’s eaten he goes away until the next day. He’s slowly growing bigger but his routine hasn’t changed.

He’s focused. He’s persistent. He’s patient. All qualities that lead to his success. I need to learn these qualities from the spider.

Had my appointment with the oncologist today-by phone. There’s literally no change in my tumor markers or my white blood count from last time. That’s a good thing. No growth of my tumors according to the CT. He did mention the couple of spots on my lungs again but that’s not new.

They will be mailing me my prescription which means I’ll be a few days late starting my next cycle but he’s ok with that.

Life has gotten really weird with the pandemic. I’m totally fine with doing everything online or over the phone. It suits my personality. I’m not fine with stressing out when I have to go out to shop or for appointments that have to be done in person. I do miss being around people I know. I miss going for lunch, or having dinner with a friend, or just window shopping.

Having cancer made me mentally tired. Putting this pandemic on top of the cancer is just totally exhausting.

It was weird going to the hospital today for my CT. Parking is free. They stop you at the front door and ask you all the relevant questions to see if you have Covid-19. Everyone is wearing masks, including me.

They got the catheter in ok this time, it happened to be the same guy as the last time I got one. But….the injection site took a bit more time to stop bleeding. There’s always something… It really sucks that I can’t bring someone with me right now.

It’s so weird. My new normal when I new I had MBC was to be real careful who I let touch me, and not standing close to people who had coughs or colds. My new, new normal is more of the same only different. I don’t let anyone touch me anymore unless they’re a health professional and they need to. I’m ok with the 6 ft rule. I’m disinfecting everything I bring into the house. I’m more afraid of this virus than I am of my cancer right now.

I’ve been a social distancer for as long as I can remember. I avoid handshakes when possible, don’t like crowds or big get-togethers. Since I got MBC, I’ve only been going out a couple of times a week, mainly to get groceries. My family will tell you that I rarely hug and don’t like people in my personal space. Still…I am on the vulnerable list.

I had to go to the Dr on Monday, a place I was trying to avoid right now, I have a sinus infection so am on antibiotics, then to Walmart Monday and Tuesday to get my prescriptions. Like everyone else, I’m scared of this virus and hope these little trips don’t affect me. I have hot flashes on a regular basis so get concerned that they’re a fever and not flashes. I’m a smoker so I am a chronic cougher. But….I can hold my breath without coughing and when I do cough, it’s not a dry cough. I’m not having trouble breathing. No chest pain or any of the other symptoms they warn against.

Like everyone else, this is really stressing me out. I’ve still got 12 days left of self-induced total isolation before I’ll feel safe. I may need to get groceries before then…

Stay safe everyone.

Oncology appointment today. I stressed out so much over it last night that I ended up with liquid diarrhea and a really bad nightmare about my nails falling off, and very little sleep.

My neutrophils are up to 1.1 (or was that 1.2?) which is good. Anything above 1 makes me happy. The lowered dosage helped with that. My tumor markers are at 116. That’s bad. 120 is my really scary number. That’s where I was when this all started.

We went over the whole “how are you feeling” thing. When I said “Physically I’m ok. Pain tolerance goes up and I’ve learned to manage my pain. I have had very little pain for the last few months, mentally, not so hot.” He made a comparison of being in purgatory (according to the dictionary, one of the definitions is :a place or state of temporary suffering or misery). So true. I just want something else to happen. I’ve been sitting here for over 2 years and knowing that it will get bad, but not knowing when is really starting to eat away at me. Some days I just want to get it over with. Not often, but some days. Then I feel guilty for even thinking that way. Other days it pisses me off that I have to even consider it.

Then I go to the pharmacy and they tell me I have to give them 48 hours for my prescription. Again. Seem like every time lately, they’re telling me this. Every time I have to tell them I can’t wait and need them today. They get all snippy with me until they talk to the actual pharmacist. Why can’t everyone in there know the protocol? That I’m “special” and get them the same day. I feel like a bitch every single time but these pills are keeping the cancer away. I don’t want to miss a day because I didn’t give them 48 hours notice.

He’s scheduling a CT for the beginning of April. Looks like I’m on a 4 month cycle with them now and I see him again at the end of April. He wants to watch me more closely because my tumor markers are still climbing.

I go for bloodwork tomorrow, then my oncology appointment Tuesday. No matter how many repeats of this pattern, no matter how many times I’m told I’m stable, I’m still stressed. Usually patterns and routines are a comfort to me. I’m the type that looks for the pattern and the repeats in everything I do. I know the beginning and the ending. There’s no stressing over what’s going to happen.

A really strong analogy is comparing having MBC to Russian roulette. I’m waiting for the trigger to be pulled when I sit in his office. So far I’ve been lucky, and there’s been nothing but the click of the trigger, but just over 2 years into this and I know that one of these appointments the bullet is going to be loaded into the chamber, and the trigger will be pulled and it won’t just be a click I hear.

Try as I might, I can’t find the comfort in this routine. The only ending I will ever get is like losing at Russian roulette. I will run out of chances. This pattern, this routine is terrifying.

I used to love food. Almost any food, except really spicy stuff. I loved cooking and baking. I loved savoring every morsel that went into my mouth and being a slow eater, this made it even better.

Since I’ve been on these drugs, it’s been getting harder and harder to enjoy food. My taste buds are shot and finding something that tastes better than cardboard isn’t easy. I eat a full meal at dinner so I don’t get nauseous from the drugs. Ok, so it may not be a proper meal, but enough to fill me up.

For a while now I haven’t been eating properly. I find something that remotely tastes as it should and I’ll eat it for days. Frozen Italian meatballs, KFC, steamed potatoes and carrots, cherry turnovers.

At this point, I’m more concerned with getting food into me than I am about nutrition and my weight.