Went for my CT scan today. The scan went well. The catheter for the contrast dye-not so much 😦 I hate needles. No, I mean I really hate them. My veins, so proud and blue, run and hide as soon as they see that sharp point of torture. They did the same thing today. The first time she jabbed me, it didn’t work and she blew out the vein. 2nd time, same arm, inches away, same thing. By them I’m done. I don’t want to play this game anymore. My arm wouldn’t stop bleeding but she then gets him to try. They decide my hand is the best spot, beside my thumb. By now I’m crying, my arm is killing me and going numb from the tourniquet. I told them if this one didn’t work I was done. Stung like crazy but they made sure it stayed in. She came out of the safe room when it was injecting the dye to hold the needle in place. I have 2 really ugly big purple and red bruises in the crook of my arm. Talk about being traumatized.
The worst part is I have to get blood tests every month and CT scans probably every 3.

I’ve been awake since 3am. I’ve never slept well but it’s gotten worse the last couple of months. There’s too much going on in my head, and the night sweats are back. I feel like a ball bouncing around. One minute I’m up, the next I’m crushed on the floor ready to bounce up again.
I had a conversation with a friend the other day about the anxiety I feel. Normally I can talk myself down from anxiety or worry attacks, but like he says. there’s no getting away from this one. Every appointment and every test just crushes me to the floor again.

Had my monthly appointment with my oncologist today. My tumour markers have leveled off. Before I started the Ibrance and Letrozole they were at 120 (whatever that means). Last month and this month they’ve been at 60. So. The cancer isn’t going to stop growing (which really sucks) but it appears to have slowed down. The CT scan I am having in 2 days will give him a better picture.
Ibrance was made available to BC Cancer patients as of April 1st under specific conditions. One of those is to not have been taking an aromatase inhibitor in the past 12 months. I was on one till last spring so I don’t qualify but my oncologist is going to fight that. He’s hoping that because of my apparent positive response to it and hopefully equally positive CT results that they’ll let me have it without my insurance having to pay for it. I see him on the 24th to find out. Here’s hoping!

I took mom for her oncology appointment today. She was scheduled for a 2 hour appointment. Of course there was paperwork to fill out. Pages and pages about the person and their history. A spot asked for her occupation, then her spouse’s. I told her to put “angel” down for her spouse but she wouldn’t. Then it got to the medical history and I was trying not to laugh so bad that I laughed hard enough to have tears. The question was if any family members had cancer. There wasn’t enough room to put them all. They only give you 3 spots for them.
The actual appointment took all of about 15 minutes. At one point he suggested her getting a mastectomy on the other side. My question was why? I did that and look what happened to me? He couldn’t really answer, just that it had to go somewhere.
Are double-mastectomies really life-saving or not? If I’d left my good boob alone and not had a double-mastectomy, would the cancer have gone there instead of metastasizing into my bones?

I can’t seem to go more than a couple of days feeling as close to normal as I can. Something always happens that throws it all back in my face. Yesterday it was diarrhea again. The stomach cramping kind. The kind I’ve had 3 times since starting these meds. The kind I can count on one hand that I’ve had in the past 20 years.
I count my pills to make sure I’m not taking too many or forgetting to take any.
I talk to a customer who tells me her boss died of cancer last week and I have to pretend that’s the worst thing in the world to me. I can’t tell her I’ve been given my own death sentence.
Co-workers ask how I’m doing and I’m always doing “fine”.
Truth be told, I’m always scared, I’m not fine.

Had my monthly oncology appointment today. By appearances the Ibrance-Letrozole combo is doing what it’s supposed to. My tumour markers are down a little from last time and my white blood count is a little higher. If it’s working, then the cancer growth is slowing down. They are going to book me for a CT scan which will give us a better idea “and go from there” he says. Typical me, I’m not excited about all this, I’m guarded. I’ll wait another month and see what the bigger picture looks like.

I just took the last Ibrance of my second bottle. Now I have 7 days of just the Letrozole. Hopefully this time my white blood cells work their way back up in their numbers. Not sure what the plan will be if they don’t.
I had my 6 week radiation check up last week. I won’t be going back there unless more radiation will work and is needed.
I work every day at trying to feel normal and trying to act like I don’t have METS because after all, I don’t look like I have terminal cancer and I’d like to not think about it all the time but trying isn’t working. It’s almost like PTSD every time I have to go to Abbotsford or have blood work done or see my oncologist. I have to force myself to every visit because I hate it being front and center of my life. If I don’t go to these appointments then it isn’t happening. But I go and it upsets me for a day or 2 before and after. The buzz words are always “prolong your life” and “quality of life” and such and I know when it comes down to it, those buzz words can only be interpreted by me.
I do know that I would like to spend a couple of years pretending I’m just retired and not fighting a terminal disease but I don’t even know when to start doing that. I know I need to find someone to talk to but I start looking for a group or something and get side-tracked with reports and stats and personal stories and get upset at what I find so I stop.
I wonder if I will ever figure this whole thing out and only be upset sometimes instead of most of the time.

I still feel overwhelmed sometimes. I wonder if people see me differently or is it just me that sees myself differently. Sure, I’m not using the cane anymore but my hip and shoulder still hurt. Not nearly as bad, I’m not taking painkillers, but it still hurts and it’s a constant reminder of the cancer that is going to kill me.
I would love to wake up tomorrow and not have my first thought and action be measuring my level of pain, waiting for it to get bad again. I would love to go to sleep tonight and not be able to feel the weirdness in my pelvis when I lie down.
I’m sure for some people not knowing how long they have works for them but for me it sucks. I feel sometimes, like today, that the world is spinning around me and I am at a standstill. It’s too overwhelming to determine what’s important or what matters the most, what do I plan for or not plan for. Do I still need to worry about deadlines and promises and bills and saving money? Does any of it really matter anymore?
How long will I be standing still?

Went for my monthly checkup with the oncologist today. The good news is the tumor markers are down which means that the Ibrance and Letrozole combination appears to be working and suppressing the progression of the cancer. For now. He’ll send me for a CT scan at about the 3 month mark of taking the drugs to confirm. He won’t rely on just the markers.
The bad news is my white blood cell count is down. Right about where they would suggest a change in my treatment. Either a lower dose of Ibrance or a longer break after taking it for 21 days. Currently that break is 7 days.
The way he explained it to me is chemo kills the white cells but Ibrance just blocks them from being there. Usually the 7 day break lets them flood back into my system, but apparently not enough in my case.
He’s going to leave my drug regime as it is for another month and then re-assess if needed.

So since Friday I haven’t really needed my cane. I still need it for stairs but that’s about it. I still pack it around with me because I don’t trust my hip. I want to be ready if it starts really hurting again.
I’ve traded my cane for sore teeth 😦 I’m not sure if it’s a reaction to what I’m taking or just because my teeth are and have always been bad. 2 of them are loose too. Guess I’ll find out more on Tuesday when I see the oncologist.