I had a melt down last night and asked my sister to go with me today. I just couldn’t do it anymore alone. She is so busy and taking time off to look after my aunt and then my mom that I felt bad but I needed her. And she was there for me. Today driving to the radiation appointment and driving home I dumped all my fears on her. I know it’s hard on her but at this point because she’s been there with me for most of my appointments I feel she understands. I’m still in pretty rough shape emotionally and hope I get over it soon.
My mom is getting a mastectomy in February. It’s her 3rd bout with breast cancer. Today she had a bone scan and a CT. I’m worried. My family doesn’t need 2 of us in rough shape.

Tomorrow is my last radiation appointment. It has helped. I can take a few steps without the cane but I tend not to. I don’t trust it, or myself, to be careful enough. Tomorrow I also have blood tests before the dreaded IV on Tuesday.
I don’t think I’m going to do the IV for a number of reasons, the main one being a major side effect that I might be susceptible to because of my history of bad teeth. Osteonecrosis “is the death of bone caused by poor blood supply to the area. Osteonecrosis of the jaw bone underneath the teeth…” I’ll talk to the Dr and se what he says. Right now I couldn’t handle more complications.
I picked up my chemo drugs yesterday but I haven’t opened the box yet. I loathe the idea of being sick again to try and make me better. I’ve had enough of fever and nausea and fatigue in the last 3 weeks. I don’t really want to lose any more weight because I can’t eat. I had a cup of coffee this morning-my first in over a week.
THEN I was willing to go through all of this horrible stuff with the hope and understanding that it would make me better. I could handle being sick and weak and in pain knowing there would be an end to it all.
NOW not so much. I’m afraid to go through all that again knowing there is no end to it.

I’ve been feeling nauseous for over a week now, to the point where it’s very hard to eat. All I could manage yesterday was an egg. Being flat on my back is the only thing that makes it go away. Somewhat. I made some ginger and honey tea that helped a bit. I’ve been losing weight like crazy. It’s being caused by the aromatase inhibitor I’ve been taking so I stopped taking it yesterday. I’ll talk to the Dr about it when I see him Tuesday. Today I managed 2 pieces of toast with honey.
My hip isn’t hurting as much thanks to the radiation treatments. I can roll over in bed without being in mind-numbing pain and I was able to clean Grady’s litter box myself today. First time in weeks. I’d be so lost without my friend who, among other things, feeds me and my cat almost everyday. Thank you.
I’m so depressed right now. I wake up in the morning and am ok until I remember what’s going on. Every day I fight the “fight or flight” response and have to force myself into going to Abbotsford for radiation. I just don’t want to be reminded every day that I have a cancer that can’t be cured. I don’t want to be in pain or feel like I’m going to throw up all the time or running a fever to try to make me live longer. That isn’t living. That’s just suffering longer.

I’m sitting in the waiting room for my appointment this morning and was stunned to see that the 4 other people waiting (we are the ones in the hospital gowns) all have grey hair. Not just a little but totally grey. Then there’s me. No grey. Does that mean that I’m too young for this?
While I’m waiting, I see that one of the “care givers” is crying. And being ignored by everyone. Now I know that having cancer is a totally selfish disease. Having it really takes away the ability to have a normal life, at least for the duration of the treatment, but come on! I went and sat with that lady. I apologized if I was intruding then told her everything would be ok. We ended up talking about her children and grand-children and it got her mind off her fear, if only for a little while. She offered me their driveway if I didn’t want to pay for parking ’cause they’re only a block away from the hospital but I declined. She prayed for me. Then my name was called.
Yes, Cancer is selfish and all-consuming but I’m not wearing blinders and didn’t feel, as a human being, dying from cancer or not, that I couldn’t help someone else who is in pain. Even if only for a little while.

I know for a lot of people today and tonight are all about reflection of the past year and resolutions for the new year.  The highlight of my last year was the cruise to Alaska with my family and I loved the trip.  Alaska was the last thing on my bucket list.  Probably a good thing my list was short.  Reflecting more-2017 confirmed my biggest fear.  My cancer is back and it’s incurable.  Not sure why I call it “my cancer” except that it’s a living, breathing, growing thing inside me.  Is it just me or does something bad always balance out the something good?

2018 will be … interesting.  I start my 5 sessions of radiation on the 2nd(they changed the start date) and have the dreaded bone IV on the 9th and will also start the iBrance chemo medication so I’m not looking forward to January. This medication can have all the same side effects as IV chemo but it’s a pill. They tell me the symptoms will lesson over time but will it lesson enough for me to deal with it? Will I lose my hair again? What are the chances that I won’t have any symptoms at all?

I have so many questions that may or my not ever get answers.
Will the radiation and the bone IV eventually get rid of the pain so I can live a semi-normal life and be able to walk without a cane and be able to carry things like my laundry basket?
Speaking of which, how long will I live?
Will it get ugly in the end?
How can I help my family and friends through this while I’m going through it?

It’s amazing at the speed that everything happens once the diagnosis of metastatic breast cancer has been given.  Words like “no cure” and “try to prolong your life” are still ringing in my ears.  Funny really.  You do your research on Google, you think you have all the answers, you’ve read that there isn’t a cure but it still hits like a punch to the gut when your oncologist says the words out loud to you.

I saw him on the 12th and he started me on another aromatase inhibitor.  I’m also the lucky recipient of a monthly IV to try and help strengthen my bones.  Had that on the 13th.  Best way to describe it is like a mini dose of chemo 😦 I was only down and out for 5 days, the first 2 with fever and nausea.  My sister, once again, has become my advocate and my appointment buddy and my friend is once again looking after me on those retched days when I can’t do for myself.  Fatigue and I have become well-aquainted again.

I’m scheduled for 5 rounds of radiation starting the 29th.

My insurance has approved another drug he wants me on.  I wonder what little gems of side-effects it will be hiding…

I’m still not sure what I think or how I feel about all this beyond the fact that it all sucks and I’m tired of needing a cane to walk and I’m tired of being in pain. All. The. Time.

So I’m waiting to hear from my oncologist. This is one of the difficult things about knowing I have cancer is the waiting.
My GP gave me oxycodone for the pain but I haven’t taken it yet. Stupid I know but I’m afraid of it so I’ve been hording the Tramadol I do have. Even stupider because it’s making me suffer more.
I would give almost anything to have one week where it doesn’t hurt to move or sleep or do what 6 months ago I would thought of as normal everyday functions.

I’m awake at 3am. Again. Seems to be a pattern lately that I’m not too fond of.
I told my team yesterday. That was almost as difficult as telling my family. Maybe it’s because they’re my second family.

Had my biannual appointment with my oncologist today.  He had the results from my second ultrasound and assured me it was scar tissue.  I have a year and a half to go on the pills if we want to “follow the plan”.  I can handle the night sweats and hot flashes and sore achy joints if it means I don’t ever even have to decide if I want to go through all this again.

I can never remember when this all started so I looked it up today.  My last chemo was Dec 20, 2011, last radiation was March 14, 2012.  It’s been 3 1/2 years, so why does it still feel like last month?  Will I ever have a day where I don’t think about it?  Will I ever be able to talk to someone else going through this or go places like the oncologist’s office where all the memories and feelings don’t haunt me and make me feel like I’m back in the middle of it all again?