4 days to go. I know what to expect, sorta. This surgery will obviously be a bit different. All I can do is hope for the best that the implant works. Not sure what I’ll do if it doesn’t. I’m just so tired of all this. The day in, day out, of not much of anything. At least with the surgery I’ll have something different going on. I’m trying to not get anxious about it all. I’m hoping that by staying calm, it will all go ok.
Tag: anxious
serious
It shook me up at one point today, that people die from this. I struggled with that for a few minutes then went back to my internal manta-I’m not dying, I only have breast cancer. Let’s hope it stays at the mantra.
My appointments on Monday are causing me some anxiety. Am I gonna regret my decision? Am I doing the right thing? What’s it gonna be like to hand pick my own boobies? Will I make the right choice? I still am really wanting to know when my surgery date is and how long my down time will be, but I also know that every decision that I make causes my fight or flight to kick in and I just want to run away and hide. “Play ostrich” as my sister says.
I saw a t-shirt today on a website that says ‘Yes they’re fake! the real ones tried to kill me’. Me thinks I’ll buy me one.
can’t sit still
I’ve been trying to work on my new site and the layout for this blog so I can move the other one here but I can’t sit still. And I can’t concentrate. 2 more sleeps till I meet with the surgeon and find out my fate. I have a lot of questions for her.
If I was to rate my anxiety level today it would be an 8 out of 10.
paranoia
I think my cancer lump is growing.
I don’t like to touch it much, it really freaks me out to even know it’s there, but it feels bigger than it did 2 weeks ago. If that’s possible.
the start
I went for a mammogram, ultra sound and needle biopsy all on June 15th. The techs in the office definitely gave me more information than they should have once they realized I wasn’t going to freak out, but I knew anyhow that I had breast cancer. June 16th was my birthday. The cancer was confirmed on June 24th 2011. Appointment to get the ball rolling with the surgeon is July 5th.
I’m nervous, scared, overwhelmed anxious. I don’t see the big ‘C’ as being a death sentence, I don’t see myself as dying from it at all. I’m one of many in my family who got chosen to be a cancer statistic. They are survivors as I will be too. But it is Cancer. It’s serious. And it can be deadly. And it is going to change my life.
What I’ve noticed the most is the way other people are reacting to the news. I’m getting everything from being ignored to overwhelmed with kindness and kid-gloves. I just want to be treated the same as usual. I understand why that may be hard for some people. I’ve let it be known that I’ll talk about it if I’m asked and share what I can. I don’t want other people to be afraid of me because of IT. This cancer is not going to own me, I am going to own it. By talking, it loses it’s big fat scarey self and becomes something I can manage and am less afraid of. I wish others saw it that way
Connie's Breast Cancer Journey 