It’s hard to stay positive or sound positive when I’m a natural born pessimist. It’s hard to think positive when I’m in constant pain, and the only thing I see ahead is 2 more surgeries and chemo and radiation. It’s hard to think positive when I don’t see an end to all this that is sooner rather than later. The plastic surgeon said from expander to implant would be ‘quick’ but what does that mean exactly? 2 surgeries a month apart and another 2 months of recovery? Sometimes I wonder if my vanity and poor body image was worth all this. Sometimes I second guess it all, forgetting that what started it all wasn’t vanity but cancer. I have to remind myself of that. But then I look at my new boob and it makes me happy. And when there are 2 I’ll be happier still. And when all the surgeries and chemo and radiation and the like is all done and the cancer is gone I’ll be ecstatic. But right now, smack dab in the middle of it all, it’s hard to see the end. It’s hard to be positive.
Tag: surgery
omg
I can’t believe people get implants because they want them. I can’t remember ever feeling anything so painful. I feel like I’ve been hit in the chest with a baseball bat. I may not have gone this route if I’da known the pain it would cause.
When I woke up from surgery yesterday, I had 3 drains, the leg things for circulation and a catheter. I wasn’t able to get out of bed till yesterday. I did decide on the painkillers this time because the tylonol just wasn’t cutting it. As it is, the painkillers just take the edge off. I am sleeping off and on. Not a full night but don’t expect that for a while.
I will need 2 more surgeries. They did not put the expander in this time because that side hadn’t healed enough. OMG but the next surgeries better not be this painful. I see the surgeon again on Friday but she doesn’t think the results will be back from the lymph nodes she removed from my right side this time. I am exhausted most of the time, and just plain tired and in pain the rest, but hey, I’m getting rid of the cancer!
surgery tomorrow
I’m first up in the morning, my surgery is at 8am. I have to be there at 7. At least no free time to fret like last time. I’ll be doing that all tonight. I’m looking for reasons to skip the whole implant thing but that’s all it is, is excuses. I know I’m doing the right thing by getting a mastectomy on the right side too. Better now when I can deal with it than later when I might not be able to. I think I’m just more apprehensive this time because I know what to expect. The wanting to throw up when I wake up, the leg thingies that are like casts, the IV and immobility for a day. It all sucks but I know the ending will be ok. I’m only supposed to be in for one night again, hope that’s true.
food for thought
When I was 30ish I had a tubal pregnancy and surgery. The surgeon told me the surgery was similar to a C section. He also said they liked smokers because they heal faster cause they’re more motivated to get out of bed. My incision healed fine. I know of other smokers who have had surgery and it’s all worked out fine. I’m gonna go with that. We smokers heal faster cause we’re more motivated. That will be my new mantra. I won’t worry about the implants failing.
count down
4 days to go. I know what to expect, sorta. This surgery will obviously be a bit different. All I can do is hope for the best that the implant works. Not sure what I’ll do if it doesn’t. I’m just so tired of all this. The day in, day out, of not much of anything. At least with the surgery I’ll have something different going on. I’m trying to not get anxious about it all. I’m hoping that by staying calm, it will all go ok.
will I…
So many will I’s and wonder if’s going on today. I got a call from the surgeon’s office. I’m first operation on September 1st so it’s official. The secretaries, who do the booking and the talking seem to think the plastic surgeon won’t see me before the surgery.
Tomorrow I have my acupuncture appointment. Tomorrow I join another group-the non-smoking group. I sure hope it works. I really don’t want the implants to fail. I got a small taste of that from the last surgery. I really don’t want any more surgeries than are necessary. They aren’t on my bucket list!
Sometimes I wonder if I’m taking this all as seriously as I should be, after all, it IS cancer. But then, me bemoaning the fact that I have cancer continually, won’t do me or anyone around me any good. For sure, I have a little fear, but for some reason it’s more of an inconvenience than a life-threatening issue. I wonder if that’s a good thing…
more tests
As far as I know my next surgery is Sept 1st. They were gonna call me this afternoon just to confirm. No phone call so I assume it’s a go. She thinks the plastic surgeon will want to see me before, to ‘look at the area’. She’s also scheduling a bone and liver scan. I didn’t ask what those are for but I again assume, and mom agreed that it’s for the chemo. I’ve also got an appointment with an acupuncturist on Wednesday to quit smoking. Gonna be a busy 1o days. That’s a good thing. The busier I am, the faster the day gets here, the less time I have to dwell.
the surgery(s)
So I saw the plastic surgeon today. He’s got a great sense of humor. He said I was a perfect candidate for implants. He said he causes the pain and the other surgeon causes the scars. They take pictures of before and after and promised they wouldn’t show up on Facebook. I told him I wanted to be a little bigger than I am now, about the size his receptionist is (funny how everyone else’s boobies have become important to me) and he made a joke about not knowing what they looked like, that he’s married. LOL He also told me I have to quit smoking. 2 weeks before the implants go in and for 6 weeks after or the implants probably won’t work. The nicotine messes with the blood flow and will cause the skin flaps to fail and the implants will ‘fall out’. His words. I’m not sure how I’m going to do that. The patch has nicotine in it. Maybe I can do those now before the implants. Also, the boob with the cancer will get a new nipple built and tattooed. My mom hates tattoos but hell, this one I need 🙂
Then I went and saw the surgeon who will be removing the cancer. Because the plastic surgeon is going on holidays for 5 weeks, and leaves this Friday, I’m going to end up needing 3 surgeries. She did say I could wait till he got back and then only have 1 (implants going in at the same time as my boobs come off) or find a different surgeon who could do the implants at the same time but I like her, and him and I trust her. I couldn’t see wasting more time looking for someone else I like and it doesn’t make sense knowing the tumor is growing. She did indicate that this needs to come out sooner rather than later. So I’m having 3 surgeries. And chemo. And radiation. I asked her for sure on those and she said yes. The 2nd surgery is to put an expander in to replace the missing boob and stretch the skin making room for the implant and the 3rd is to do the implants. Her office will call me when they’ve made an appointment for me to see a surgical nurse and to do all the blood tests they need. I’m going to be out of commission for probably 4-6 weeks for this surgery.
The sentinel node thingy, they inject me with a radioactive dye, will be done the morning of the surgery and in New West. This determines the first node of my lymph nodes that the breast lymph ducts drain to. They can remove this one node at the time of the cancer surgery to be tested to see if the cancer has spread. Then back to Maple Ridge to have the cancer surgery.
I’m hoping that chemo and I play nice together because it’s going to be for 6 months. I am already losing my boobs, I don’t want to lose my hair too. Or get really sick, or bloat up. Or not survive the whole thing.
It finally hit me today how serious this really is. I have cancer. I’m having surgery on the 28th of this month to get rid of it. I didn’t ask for it, don’t want it and can’t control it. I should be saying cancer has me. And today I’m afraid.
the surgeon
She told me lots of things. Because of the size of my tumor (it has grown) and the placement of it, regardless of the choice I make, partial or full mastectomy, it will require reconstructive surgery. They haven’t determined the type of cancer yet, but it’s one of the 2 common ones, whatever they are. I didn’t ask. She did indicate that I would be having chemo. And radiation. I won’t know those for sure until I see an oncologist. After we’d discussed my family history and I asked about getting both breast removed, she agreed that it may be the way to go.
What’s standing out for me isn’t that I have cancer, it’s that parts of me aren’t going to be mine anymore. It’s becoming more real in that way. Yes. I have cancer, but does it have to take away pieces of what makes me ME? And why does it have to be parts that are visible? I joke about getting new bigger, younger boobies but really, I wish I could keep mine. I’ve had them for umpteen years. I’ve become attached to them!
I don’t have any surgery dates yet, what I do have is a date with a plastic surgeon next Monday and almost right after, an appointment with the surgeon to give her my decision as to the choice I’ve made….I’m going to have a bilateral mastectomy. No sense having 2 different boobs, and realistically, it’s better in the long run to take away as much opportunity as possible for the cancer to grab ahold of me again.
Only thing is, I’m going to need 2 surgeries. One for the initial removal and one for the final reconstruction. They probably won’t do the full implant jobbie on the one boob that needs radiation, it tends to get in the way apparently.
I feel sick.
Connie's Breast Cancer Journey 