The surgeon took the bandage off today and left it off. I was wrong, it wasn’t an open incision, there’s stitches. I wish he’d told me or I’d asked. But he did tell me right before surgery he was leaving it open. I go back to see him in 2 weeks. Things are looking up.

It was such a nice day today, and I’m getting so tired of being an invalid that I went for a walk. Not far, only to the end of the block and at a snail’s pace because my knees still hurt. But they’re getting better now. And I couldn’t pass up on the sunshine.
Tomorrow my daily trek to Abbotsford starts with the surgeon, radiation starts Thursday. I’m starting to feel lighter if that makes sense. The closer I get to the end of radiation, the closer I get to getting my life back and the closer I get to feeling better.

I think chemo fast tracked menopause. For the last few days I’ve been getting these hot flashes which I chalked up to moving too fast or overdoing something. Wasn’t until yesterday that I realized they were happening regularly, more often in the morning and at night, and when I’m not doing anything at all. I checked with my mom and it appears to be hot flashes. So far I don’t find it that annoying. Oh ya, I get really hot, but I’ve always liked being warm rather than cold, and it only seems to last for a couple of minutes. I’ve noticed that they’re gone in the time it takes to get the blanket off of me when I’m laying on the couch. I’ve said before that I can’t wait for menopause to start because I’m tired of being cold all the time 🙂 Now to decide which Dr to tell and when!

When I’m in the thick of things humour escapes me. I find it really hard to find the humour in seeing all my hair fall out in a matter of days or being told my implant needs to come out. My mind and my days are mostly focused on this breast cancer and the treatment I’ve had and still need. And these are serious issues. Not much room with it all for humour. And sometimes what I find funny, some people may find dark or gross or just plain wrong.
It takes me a day or 2 to get over the horror of the situation I may be in at the time, and the horror does creep back on a regular basis but for the most part, after that day or 2 I can live with whatever has happened. Like I have a choice 🙂
I cried over my lost hair and still do sometimes but love my new wig. And who in their right mind wouldn’t like to spend less on shampoos and conditioners and brushes and all. And who wouldn’t like to cut out 20 to 30 minutes from their routine every day? No hair to wash, dry and style.
I cried over having to lose my breasts until I knew I’d be getting implants. To tell the truth, having only one was annoying. And unbalanced. And I didn’t like the way it felt in my body. But I knew I’d look ‘normal’ once I got the other one. So then I cried when it had to be taken out. But really, now I can be any size I want, or better yet, different sizes depending on my mood. That’s a bonus, right? And speaking of being boobless, do ya think I can go around topless now? I mean, I have nothing up top that says I’m female, so it really shouldn’t be a big deal now should it? It’d be a lot cooler in the summer…
Yesterday I noticed that almost all of my eyelashes have fallen out. Like the rest of my hair on my body, none of it is completely gone, just mostly. So no eyelashes, no problem. I can fake those too. When I walk out of the house, no one knows that the wig isn’t my real hair, that the boobs are fake, that I don’t have eyelashes. I look like any other ‘normal’ female walking down the street. Lets face it, first impressions are huge.
The problem with humour is that it’s a little hard to reach right now. Bottom line, I had cancer. I’m doing all I can to make sure I don’t get it again with surgeries, chemotherapy, radiation and hormone therapy. If that means wearing a wig, fake boobs, and false eyelashes so I look normal, that has to be ok with me because I at least will be alive. When all this treatment is over, and the seriousness of having breast cancer isn’t weighing heavy on my shoulders any longer and I have my so called ‘normal’ life back, I know I’ll find it easier to laugh than to cry.

Saw the surgeon today. He ripped the bandage off of me, that hurt. Then started farting around in the incision. I told him I wasn’t watching what he was doing, he said he wasn’t going to tell me either. I think he has it packed with gauze. ew. Anyhow, I asked how it was, he said there wasn’t any infection which was good, and to see him again next week. Then he says if there’s any problems to call his receptionist who will know how to get in touch with him. Now I’m paranoid, even tho he assured me he isn’t anticipating any problems. The incision still isn’t closed up yet. ‘nother ew here. I just have to make sure I really baby it and don’t use that side of me for now.