It is one year ago today that I had my first surgery for breast cancer. I’ve been thinking about what’s changed for me in that time and what I expected to change.
I did expect to lose both boobs but thought I’d have 2 new ones in their place. I never expected to be boobless. It’s been an adjustment, both physically and mentally but I have to say, losing my hair is still the thing I focus on. I sometimes wonder if it’s because I can hide the fact that the boobs are gone but the hair? Not so much.
I expected my body to change. I did think I’d gain more weight than I have. I did not expect my legs to be the big issue for me. Once I knew I was in menopause I expected the hot flashes, but don’t think I’ll ever get used to them. I’m glad the majority of them happen at night.
I’ve joined a gym rather than just visiting it. I came to the realization that my legs and body are not going to fix themselves. They need help. 4 or 5 days a week I go on a treadmill for a half hour. It’s only been a few weeks but I’m starting to notice the difference. When I started it was at a slow crawl for 15 or 20 minutes and I was done. So it is helping. (thanks my friend :))
Having cancer has also made me closer to my mom and my sister. They were there for me when I needed, and my sister, who I know didn’t feel like it, was my strength. She may have been more afraid of what was happening to me than I was but she never showed that to me, she showed me humour instead. My friend did more for me than a friend normally would, and still is pushing me to get better. These may be the only things I’m grateful for from this journey. I hope they know if they ever need me I’ll be there for them like they were for me.
Having cancer has changed other things for me too. I find that where stress used to sit like lumps in the pit of my stomach for days only makes me tired now. And I’m going to try flying again next year. Something I’ve been too afraid to do for a while now.
I do still get scared of recurrence. Since I’m not 100% clear, only 80%, I wonder if the cancer will come back. If it came back within the next couple of years I don’t know if I could go through this again. I haven’t come to any conclusions on that only to know I’d have to do some serious thinking on it. I am now part of a very large, and still growing cancer ‘family’. Like most families, you don’t get to choose them, you just learn to live with them and see the best in them.