I’m finding that when I hear people describe me as courageous or strong or amazing for having gone through breast cancer I get upset. I’m not sure what kind of upset, but it always makes me want to cry. I don’t see myself as any of those things.
I’m not courageous. I was terrified going through all this. I didn’t draw on courage to get through it, I relied on knowing there would be an end to it and knowing I was increasing my chances for a longer life.
I don’t see myself as strong. Many days were spent in pain and tears. I felt like a baby and needed my hand held. Often. I felt helpless and very needy. I had to have help feeding myself and even getting dressed some times and to me that isn’t strong. I tried as hard as I could on the days I went out to act like there was nothing wrong. I didn’t want people to feel sorry for me. I just wanted be be treated like everyone else. When I lost my hair I was devastated. There wasn’t going to be a way to hide what was going on then and for a time I did revert back to my old, shy self. It wasn’t strength that finally made me lift my chin up. It was knowing I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t choose to lose my hair.
I don’t think I’m amazing. I’m not the only one who has been through this and I unfortunately will not be the last. I just put one foot in front of the other, day after day, with end dates as markers. My last surgery, my last chemo treatment, my last radiation treatment. What was always on the horizon was the day I could go back to work. Amazing is the child with leukemia who can go through all the agonies of chemo with a smile on their face.
I see me as someone who just did what they had to do. No more, no less. I didn’t ‘fight’ cancer, I just did all that I was told to do to get it out of my system.
Maybe I get upset when people call me courageous or strong or amazing because I just want them to see me, not what I’ve been through. I know that cancer is now and will always be part of my life but I wish it wasn’t part of my identity. It attacked my body, not my mind. I hope that if ‘you’ ever have to go through something like this you’ll know you can because I did.
If I can do it anyone can.