I am so tired.
I’m always tired lately. It’s so draining acting as if I’m ok with this when sometimes all I want to do is curl up and cry. But I can’t do that when I want to or need to. Does that make me mellow dramatic? Is that adulthood? Is it just the need to release the struggle with what’s going on inside of me?
The little voices in my head just don’t stop. “You’re going to die.” “It’s going to be ugly.” “Where are you going to die?” “When are you going to die?” “Will my bones break?” “When will my bones break?” “you are going to die.” I can get them to stop for a few minutes at a time then they start all over again. I can’t focus for long. I lose my train of thought.
It’s so exhausting.
I try, some days, to take in and remember all the beautiful things I see around me as if my memories are going with me.
Then the voices start up again.
I don’t think that the people around me want to hear about my fears and see my tears as often as I’d like to scream and cry about them so I just try to hold them in until I get home.
Sometimes I am just so angry and other times I’m just so tired that it doesn’t matter anymore. I feel like I’ve been fighting this every since I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2011. I just need a break from it all.