A year ago I did my last shift at work and left on disability.  The decision to do that took me months to make.  I loved my job.  Was it the right thing to do?  Couldn’t I suck it up and keep working?  ..through the pain and the fatigue and the endless appointments…  One morning I woke up and thought, who am I kidding?  Me working wasn’t doing anyone any good, including me.   So I took the steps to leave.  And I was devastated.

After I left, for about the first 6 months, work was the second thing I thought of when I woke up, I’d do a body check, make sure there wasn’t any new aches and pains then think about work.  Some days I felt guilty because I thought I could still work, I should be working.  No one could see the cancer growing in me.  I still looked normal.

A year later, I know I made the right decision.  My brain doesn’t always work fast enough, especially if I’m stressed or tired, and I can’t sit in one place for too long or my hip starts bugging me.  If I have something to do that I need to concentrate on, even something as simple as my crocheting, I try and get it done before noon because after then my brain doesn’t behave and I get real tired real fast.  Most days I am napping by 1pm.  If I don’t nap I rarely stay up past 9pm.

Back then, I still hadn’t really come to terms with having MBC. I didn’t want cancer to defeat me and a part of me thought if I continued to work, I could stave off it’s progression.  Thought processes can be weird sometimes.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m still fighting the progression,  I’ve just come to terms with the fact that I’m not “normal” and can’t have a “normal” life and do all the things “normal” people do.   I have to constantly make adjustments to appear normal.  I don’t want to use the “cancer card” and so far, outside of my family, I haven’t had to.

It’s been a year and I  still miss work.