I go for bloodwork tomorrow, then my oncology appointment Tuesday. No matter how many repeats of this pattern, no matter how many times I’m told I’m stable, I’m still stressed. Usually patterns and routines are a comfort to me. I’m the type that looks for the pattern and the repeats in everything I do. I know the beginning and the ending. There’s no stressing over what’s going to happen.

A really strong analogy is comparing having MBC to Russian roulette. I’m waiting for the trigger to be pulled when I sit in his office. So far I’ve been lucky, and there’s been nothing but the click of the trigger, but just over 2 years into this and I know that one of these appointments the bullet is going to be loaded into the chamber, and the trigger will be pulled and it won’t just be a click I hear.

Try as I might, I can’t find the comfort in this routine. The only ending I will ever get is like losing at Russian roulette. I will run out of chances. This pattern, this routine is terrifying.