I’m in more pain today than yesterday. I think I overdid it. One step forward, 2 steps back, then 3 steps forward. Could also be wishful thinking, wishing I was better. Took mom to buy shoes today, she doesn’t know this place and needed a navigator. Stayed in the car because I don’t like going out in public with these drains but had to go sit in the mall cause it was too hot out. I just kept my head down and didn’t look at anyone. Tomorrow I’m going for coffee with a couple of co-workers. Even with all my self-consciousness I’m looking forward to it. I feel like I’ve been so removed from my life and this will bring me back a bit.
Tag: self-image
you need to get out
I hear this so often now that I’m home all the time. “You need to get out, you’ll feel better.” “Go for a walk, you’ll feel better.” And so on. My question is why will this make me feel better? I go out and feel worse more often than not. It’s summertime. It’s hot out. Everyone is wearing t-shirts and halter tops. I can’t. Or I should say I won’t. I don’t want people to see that I’ve only got one boob. So I wear loose shirts, layered, to add bulk where I need it. No. “Get out, you’ll feel better.” doesn’t work. It makes me feel worse. I prefer to stay home. Where I don’t feel self-conscious about what’s going on, and I don’t have to answer questions and I don’t have to talk about it. I’m having enough of an issue with this smoking/not smoking thing to add to it with wishing I looked normal too.
wow
Less than a week and I have surgery. Again. I so wanted to not be smoking by now. No such luck. Oh well, I’ve at least cut way down, half of what I was smoking 2 days ago. That’s gotta count for something.
I wonder what the implants are going to feel like. Normally they’re added to the existing breast. In my case it’s replacing them. What stopped me from getting them before was that they looked fake and were made of silicone. Now I have a reason for them looking fake or even being fake so I don’t feel bad about them in that way. I do truly wish I did not need them though.
drain out
ya! The drain is gone! I wondered where it started and felt it come out, all the way from the left side of my chest to where it poked out in the middle of my chest. The surgeon says it’s healing well, but there was some dead tissue and “I’m not looking for excuses but if I was I’d blame it on your smoking”. She said it all looks good, then laughed and said at least to her it looks good. I have to keep up with the exercises, what I thought was my tendon under my arm is scar tissue that needs to be worked away. I have to go see her on Friday, she’s hoping the pathology will be back by then, it wasn’t today.
I asked her about driving and she said she’s fine with it but if something happened and ICBC blamed the surgery on my response time, they wouldn’t cover me, so driving is out for a bit yet. I’m still stuck and dependent on other people for a bit. And I hate that.
A friend asked if it was worse before the surgery, just knowing it was cancer growing in me, or worse after. The after is worse. Body image means a lot to me personally. Missing a part seems to amplify all my other flaws. I knew there would be a lot of psychological stuff with this and really thought I was stronger than my body parts, but I’m finding I’m not. I tell myself often that I am not my boobs. Missing one doesn’t make me any less me. I had (have?) cancer. If someone else has a problem with that, then fine, but I definitely shouldn’t. I’m alive.
the surgeon
She told me lots of things. Because of the size of my tumor (it has grown) and the placement of it, regardless of the choice I make, partial or full mastectomy, it will require reconstructive surgery. They haven’t determined the type of cancer yet, but it’s one of the 2 common ones, whatever they are. I didn’t ask. She did indicate that I would be having chemo. And radiation. I won’t know those for sure until I see an oncologist. After we’d discussed my family history and I asked about getting both breast removed, she agreed that it may be the way to go.
What’s standing out for me isn’t that I have cancer, it’s that parts of me aren’t going to be mine anymore. It’s becoming more real in that way. Yes. I have cancer, but does it have to take away pieces of what makes me ME? And why does it have to be parts that are visible? I joke about getting new bigger, younger boobies but really, I wish I could keep mine. I’ve had them for umpteen years. I’ve become attached to them!
I don’t have any surgery dates yet, what I do have is a date with a plastic surgeon next Monday and almost right after, an appointment with the surgeon to give her my decision as to the choice I’ve made….I’m going to have a bilateral mastectomy. No sense having 2 different boobs, and realistically, it’s better in the long run to take away as much opportunity as possible for the cancer to grab ahold of me again.
Only thing is, I’m going to need 2 surgeries. One for the initial removal and one for the final reconstruction. They probably won’t do the full implant jobbie on the one boob that needs radiation, it tends to get in the way apparently.
I feel sick.
