drain out

ya!  The drain is gone!  I wondered where it started and felt it come out, all the way from the left side of my chest to where it poked out in the middle of my chest.  The surgeon says it’s healing well, but there was some dead tissue and “I’m not looking for excuses but if I was I’d blame it on your smoking”.  She said it all looks good, then laughed and said at least to her it looks good.  I have to keep up with the exercises, what I thought was my tendon under my arm is scar tissue that needs to be worked away.  I have to go see her on Friday, she’s hoping the pathology will be back by then, it wasn’t today.

I asked her about driving and she said she’s fine with it but if something happened and ICBC blamed the surgery on my response time, they wouldn’t cover me, so driving is out for a bit yet.   I’m still stuck and dependent on other people for a bit.  And I hate that.

A friend asked if it was worse before the surgery, just knowing it was cancer growing in me, or worse after.  The after is worse.  Body image means a lot to me personally.  Missing a part seems to amplify all my other flaws.  I knew there would be a lot of psychological stuff with this and really thought I was stronger than my body parts, but I’m finding I’m not.  I tell myself often that I am not my boobs.  Missing one doesn’t make me any less me.  I had (have?) cancer.  If someone else has a problem with that, then fine, but I definitely shouldn’t.  I’m alive.