I went into work today to visit. I so miss it! It was really nice being able to see everyone. I’ll be so glad when I can go back but that’s not for a couple of months or so yet. It was a good day.

So the cancer clinic/hospital called me today to remind me of my appointment next week. Apparently it’s going to take about an hour and a half. I get a physical and a consult/course of treatment plan. As mom says, like I needed reminding.
Talking to the woman who called, it looks like if I’d just gone to the clinic in Abbotsford for the initial mammogram, I wouldn’t have had to get a ‘family doctor’, and wouldn’t have had to explain to all the doctors since that he really isn’t my doctor. But then I wouldn’t have had the surgeon I did or the plastic surgeon or probably the oncologist. I wouldn’t want anyone else but them. They’ve been the perfect fit for me.

My last chemo was 3 weeks ago today and I’m still feelin’ it. My knees are still screwed up. Walking too far, like 25 feet, standing too long, like washing 2 plates or just straightening them out all hurt. They don’t feel like they’ve gotten any better in the past week 😦
I got a little bit panicked today, it’s only happened to me once or twice during this whole process. I was watching a commercial, a cancer one, she had stage 4 breast cancer that had moved to her bones. And I thought of ‘them’ being concerned that the margin they left around my cancer wasn’t big enough for their liking. That could lead to it getting to my bones. And for the first time I didn’t think of radiation as being a distant possibility but a likely one. And for the first time I thought of cancer as being deadly. That’s what I get for having all this time on my hands and no where to go but my thoughts. They’re starting to run away on their own.

I’ve decided that for now, I won’t be ‘writing’ in here every day. Until my appointment on the 18th, there isn’t much going on but my continued healing and bitching. Writing about the same ol’ same ol’ everyday is starting to bore me which is a good thing. It means my life, for the time being, has a semblance of normalcy. And I’ll take it.

I didn’t think I would say this, I thought this time between treatment types would be nice. But I’m tired of waiting. I just wanna get it all over with and get the surgery done too. I’m just feeling too restless today but am still not able to do much. It’s funny how much standing a person does on a daily basis.

Now that I’m feeling almost normal, the days are starting to all roll together. My knees still ache when I stand too long or walk too far, but the fever feeling in my head, and the icky taste in my mouth are gone and my puffy face almost looks normal. My taste buds are still not back to normal, everything tastes pretty bland. Hopefully I’ll get them back. Someday. There’s really no tellin’ when my body will get back to normal really. No one can say, from my oncologist to the cancer nurses. The articles I’ve read say a month or 2 to years or never. I’m kinda glad I’ve got 2 weeks until my appointment about radiation. It gives my body more time to heal.

I went out for dinner with a friend tonight and he made a comment about me losing my sense of humour and I guess I am. I’m finding that the longer this ‘treatment’ goes on, the more I resent it. I guess I just don’t get it. I mean, they told me my cancer was gone, they got it all, why the hell do I have to go through all this? Sense of humour? Ya, I laughed so hard I cried the day I lost my hair.

There’s days like today that I feel out of sorts. My chemo mouth is gone and my body feels fine until I start moving around too much. When I’m not moving around, cleaning, cooking, whatever, I feel guilty that I’m not being productive. When I move around too much my knees start aching. I’m stuck in the middle of being normal and being sick.

I may have done too much today. I so needed to get out, was getting cabin fever. And my car hadn’t been driven for 2 weeks. Went grocery shopping, and made it without collapsing. It was really tough but I so hate my body not working the way it should. I’ll know in the next day or two if I really over did it.