I was recently asked by a reader of my blog if I’d be willing to post something from a caregiver.  My answer was yes!  I think it’s important to show all sides of cancer.  Not just what I went through, but what those around me went through.  This man’s wife doesn’t have breast cancer, but another rare form of cancer.  Regardless, cancer is cancer and the fallout is all the same, and the people around the cancer patient suffer as well.  Sometimes their stories are more important than ours.

This is what he wrote:

Caregiving for a Cancer Patient – How My Wife’s Diagnosis Changed Our Lives

My wife has often said that she doesn’t understand what it was like for me after we learned of her mesothelioma diagnosis.  I have only really discussed this openly with her on one occasion and with this I hope to share more of what it was like for me.

Three months before she had been diagnosed with mesothelioma she had given birth to our first and only child, Lily.  We went from being blissful, happy parents to a period of fear and uncertainty.  I can remember the day the doctors broke the news of the mesothelioma diagnosis to us. I remember looking at my teary-eyed wife wondering, “How will we ever make it through this?”

I was feeling really overwhelmed by the news and I was really on the verge of completely breaking down until the doctors brought me back to reality with questions about the treatment she would be receiving.  This would be the first round of difficult medical decisions we would have to make regarding my wife’s health.

I was full of rage, fear and resentment when I first learned of the news.  I didn’t really know how to properly control my angry outburst, and at times, I communicated with others using profane language.  I eventually learned how to better control my emotions.  I realized I had to remain strong for my wife and daughter because they were depending on me to be at my best.  I had my moments, but I was always careful to maintain my composure when around my wife.  I never wanted her to see just how frightened I was.  I needed to be that rock for her.

Right after the diagnosis there were days where I felt like I would never be able to get anything done.  I had to balance parenthood with work and arranging care for my wife.  I was initially overwhelmed by it all but I soon learned to prioritize and focus on the most important tasks.  I also learned to accept the help from friends and family members who were there for us during our time of need.  We were very blessed to have so many people offering us support and help during that time.  Truthfully, I don’t know how we would have made it through this tough time without the support.  Even with all of the support we received, I still felt stressed out and overwhelmed with responsibilities at times.

There was a really stressful period that stood out to me most looking back.  It was directly following her surgery in Boston.  After the surgery my wife flew to South Dakota to recover at her parents’ home.  Lily had been staying with her parents during the time of her surgery and my wife stayed there until she recovered from the surgery and prepared for her next round of mesothelioma treatment. During those two months I was only able to see them once.

One Friday after finishing up at work, I hit the road for an 11-hour drive to see my family in a snowstorm.  Along the way, I pulled over to grab a few hours of sleep and wait for the roads to be cleared.  When I finally arrived at her parents’ home that Saturday morning, I was really exhausted.  I spent the remainder of that day with them.  After getting more time with them on Sunday morning, I was back on the road to be home in time enough to get rest before work on Monday morning.

While it was really difficult for me to be away from sick wife and young daughter, I never really see it as a loss.  I made the best choice for my family.  I knew that there was no way that I could really be there for my young daughter and work full time during that period.  I don’t regret any of the decisions I had to make during that time.  I understand that I did what I needed to do during that tough period of time.  The cancer diagnosis forced us to make really tough choices, but I took comfort in the fact we had some control in this otherwise vulnerable position.

If I learned anything during this time it was to be grateful and always accept the help offered from family members and friends.  I take comfort in the fact that I was able to have some control during this tough and challenging time.