I still feel overwhelmed sometimes. I wonder if people see me differently or is it just me that sees myself differently. Sure, I’m not using the cane anymore but my hip and shoulder still hurt. Not nearly as bad, I’m not taking painkillers, but it still hurts and it’s a constant reminder of the cancer that is going to kill me.
I would love to wake up tomorrow and not have my first thought and action be measuring my level of pain, waiting for it to get bad again. I would love to go to sleep tonight and not be able to feel the weirdness in my pelvis when I lie down.
I’m sure for some people not knowing how long they have works for them but for me it sucks. I feel sometimes, like today, that the world is spinning around me and I am at a standstill. It’s too overwhelming to determine what’s important or what matters the most, what do I plan for or not plan for. Do I still need to worry about deadlines and promises and bills and saving money? Does any of it really matter anymore?
How long will I be standing still?