I’m sure I’m not alone as one who obsesses about having stage 4 cancer. The kind that can’t be cured. The kind that will eventually kill me. It’s on my mind constantly. Now what’s peeking through and adding to the stress is what will my next line of treatment look like when the Ibrance/Letrozole combo doesn’t work anymore?

I read so many stories of women on their 5th, 6th, 7th, line of treatment, how they’re so sick from the chemo or the injections, the fatigue keeps them in bed more than not, the pain pills they need to take, the nausea, headaches, bone pain, bone fractures, muscle spasms, drains in lungs, radiation on the brain, but they fight for one more line. Maybe this one will be the cure. I don’t think I’ve got that in me.

Chemo was hell and I just can’t see the point in doing it again when it makes you sick. Being sick from it to stay alive a little longer when that little longer is spent being sick doesn’t make sense to me. Radiation was ok except for the burns and the fatigue and the daily 45 minute drives one way for a 15 minute appointment. But radiation to the brain? I dunno…

I’m doing just fine where I am in my treatment right now, stable and all. I fight the little devil on my shoulder reminding me about next lines of treatment because I just don’t want to go there yet.