About a week before scans or bloodwork and before my next oncology appointment I am always really anxious. I don’t like needles so getting blood drawn and hoping they get the catheter in for the contrast dye for the CT scans is always nerve wracking for me. I pace, I cry, I have a harder time than normal sleeping, I do the comfort food thing. I try and find a way to get out of having these appointments. I’m always fighting my flight response-I’m not a fighter. It’s exhausting.

After the appointments, I come down off of these anxiety rides right in to depression. To me it’s a mild depression, but who knows. Even a so called “good” appointment with the oncologist isn’t safe from this. I waffle back and forth from wanting some sort of a change in my situation to it staying the same. From when will the tests show progression damn it! I’m not sure how long I can keep doing this! to I’m so glad nothing has changed, I can live with it like this.

Once I’ve gotten through all the internal arguments, for and against progression that seem to occupy my mind for most of my waking hours, I level off to what has become my normal. I just am and I just be and I let each day happen as it will.

I tell ya, the mind games having MBC plays on you are endless and exhausting and getting to that level place isn’t easy but I get there.