I’ve been dealing with cancer in one form or another for 10 years. The initial diagnosis in June of 2011. The chemo, only 4 rounds (lucky me) with all it’s glorious side effects including, but not limited to, my hair falling out, chemo brain, horrible taste in my mouth, joint pain, night sweats. Radiation for 25 rounds and the burns that come with it. 3 surgeries. 5 years of hormone therapy. Then it came back as MBC just over 3 years ago so again it’s been countless needle pokes, CT scans, side effects from the drugs including, but not limited to, intense fatigue, night sweats, trouble sleeping, lack of taste, more “chemo brain”. Let’s not forget the intense pain from the tumors and, for the 3rd time, feeling like I cracked a rib. Oh! And just for shits and giggles, the world is in a pandemic from COVID-19.

10 years of having an intimate relationship with something that is eating me from the inside out. Something I can’t just say good bye to and be done with it, like a bad relationship. Every day I have to find a way to live in harmony with it but that’s a really big struggle. It’s with me constantly. Whispering in my ear that it’s going to win. And I know it’s going to win. It’s going to kill me. The only option I have is to try and beat it’s timeline. Extend it for another day or month or year.

10 years of my life often feeling secondary to what cancer is doing to me because I can’t do what I want without some sort of physical repercussion. 10 years of going back and forth from I got this, I can beat this! to how much longer can I do this?

Some days the emotional toil cancer takes is far worse than all the side effects from the drugs. It’s exhausting. Some days I’m just done with it all.

So I don’t have the PIK3CA gene which takes one treatment option off the table. He has suggested, and I agree, that for now I’ll stay on Ibrance because it’s still working. Granted, it’s on it’s last legs, tumour markers are still rising and CT is starting to show minimal growth, but it’s still working. We don’t know if the next treatment line will work as well. Appointments will be every 2 months now instead of every 3.

Next treatment may be Tamoxifen. He wants to keep trying hormone suppressants and is leaving chemo as a last resort for which I’m grateful. I so don’t want chemo.

He doesn’t want me to stop treatment to get the COVID vaccine, 2 weeks off the drugs may be just long enough for the cancer to grab ahold again.

Just to add to my already interesting life, I pulled a muscle, cracked a rib or something. Again. In the same area as last time, same area as I apparently have a tumour. I rolled over in bed last night and heard it pop. It was loud enough to gross me out ☹️ It doesn’t hurt as much as last time, but hurts enough to limit me. Again. Dr wasn’t too concerned. Guess I’ll be getting used to this happening.

For the past week or so I’ve been living in my head. Tomorrow I go for blood work and the day after is my oncology appointment.

I don’t think I’ve been this anxious since I first found out I have MBC. I have no idea what’s in store for me, don’t know if I have the gene I was tested for. If I don’t have it, I don’t know what my options are.

I do know I’m in for new side effects and new drug routines. New fears. Add to the mix is the increase in COVID cases in my area. I’m not even sure how or when I’ll get the vaccine. That’s a discussion with my oncologist.

I’ve always lived on my own but have had support close by. Now I’m really on my own and it just increases the anxiety. Sometimes I just want it all to be over and done with. Sometimes it’s so overwhelming that I struggle to get to tomorrow without losing my mind today.

Saw the oncologist today. The CT shows minor progression on my rib. What? Didn’t know I had it on my ribs too. Oddly, it’s in the same area that I pulled a muscle a few months ago. It also shows that the tumor on my pelvis has changed it’s shape but not it’s size. My tumor markers are at an all time high of 179. They were only 165 when I started this mess 3 years ago.

This means that the Ibrance/Letrozole combination is struggling to work. The cancer is winning at this point. The Dr says “you have been on it for 3 years…” which is a good thing since the average is 24ish months. Now we need to find something else that will work. He doesn’t want to put me on chemo yet because the tumors are still small and aren’t growing exponentially. Also sounds like chemo may be his last offering when all else fails. He is sending me for more bloodwork to check for the PIK3CA mutation. About 40% of breast cancer patients have it. If I do, then there’s another hormone treatment he wants to try on me. Apparently it’s “normally very expensive” but they’re offering it up for cheaper. Kinda like a limited time offer…LOL He’s also thinking of putting me back on Tamoxifen.

I don’t know what his backup plan is if I don’t have the mutation, but I trust him.

This is all so scary…

The only good thing about going to the hospital for tests and scans during a pandemic is that there’s no waiting. I was 20 minutes early for my scan, the needle went in fine, and I was done before my appointment was supposed to start.

The Zoloft definitely helped. My stomach wasn’t roiling and my hands weren’t shaking like they did before. I still babbled once I was on the table, but I didn’t feel the “flight or fight” kick in.

Having the scan reminds me that I have an upcoming appointment with my oncologist and knowing that the Ibrance/Letrozole combination isn’t working like it’s supposed to anymore is unsettling to say the least. No clue as to what the conversation will be like and no matter how much research I do, I have no idea what my next steps will be. No way to try and plan the scenarios. I’m going to be going into this appointment blind. For someone who likes, sometimes needs, to plan out every outcome, this is really freaking me out.

The waiting is one of the worst things about having MBC. Waiting for tests, waiting for results from tests, waiting for appointments, waiting for the inevitable.

I’m waiting until the 10th of February for a CT then the 23rd to find out what my oncologist has in store for me. Will he have me continue with the Ibrance even though it’s effectiveness is showing signs of waning? Will he switch me to another treatment? Hopefully not chemo. Will he tell me there’s nothing else he can do for me?

Guess I’ll find out how well Zoloft works too. CT’s are high stress and anxiety for me. I know that day to day Zoloft is working, my mind has gotten quiet and the triggers that used to set me off don’t seem to anymore but the CT will be the true test.

As much as I try to figure out what will happen on the 23rd, I have no clue. So I have to just sit here and wait and plan for the best.

Had my oncology appointment by phone today. It was supposed to be on the 29th but they bumped it up to miss the holidays.

We started off by talking about my pain. It’s still basically non-existent if I do nothing all day. Been using the stairs lately because the elevator is out so it’s been jabbing me in the hip occasionally, letting me know it’s still there. I haven’t had to take any pain pills again though.

Then we talked about the bloodwork. My tumour markers are still climbing, they’re at 155. In his words, “..the meds aren’t controlling the cancer anymore”. My appointment with him in February will be at his office so we can discuss the CT results and the options.

I knew this was coming but it still sucks. I don’t have any idea what my options are, or if I have any. I sure hope it isn’t chemo. I’ve been on the Ibrance/Letrozole combination for 3 years. We had a good run. Who knows, maybe he’ll keep me on it but I doubt it. He wouldn’t want to see me in person if that was the case. Something to ponder for the next 10 weeks.

On a good note, the Zoloft is working. I didn’t get panicky and shaky having to go for bloodwork yesterday. I even tried talking myself out of going (it’s the wrong time in my drug cycle, 2 weeks too early, they never told me I had to when they changed my appointment etc) but the anxiety didn’t kick in like it would have before so I got it done.

I was diagnosed with MBC 3 years ago. At that time, I was pretty depressed about the statistics regarding life expectancy. Those stats haven’t changed really. Only about 22% make it to 5 years. New drugs like the one I’m on add to that a little. In the case of Ibrance, it’s about 20 months on average. My biggest nag with this is still wondering how long I have.

So much has changed for me. Mentally and physically. As much as I’d like to pin it on good old aging, I know for the most part, it’s the cancer and the drugs I’ve been feeding my body. I sometimes wonder who I would be if I didn’t have MBC.

I’m still learning to be kind to myself. I try to rest when I need to (often) and constantly remind myself that my limitations because of the cancer are not my fault. I also know that my energy dies off about 1pm so I try to get everything done before then.

The pandemic has put a twist into everything. Instead of hiding my cancer, I’m more vocal about it. I don’t want people near me. I’ve never been a huge “people person” so this aspect of it has been relatively easy for me but it ramped up my anxiety. I’m taking Zoloft and it seems to be helping. I don’t feel like I’m balancing on the edge of a cliff and my mind is calmer. The pandemic does make me feel a little robbed of time.

Wonder what the chances are that I’ll be here for another 3 years?

I got the flu shot this morning. Because I’m immune compromised, I get the “not live” shot. I called it “dead” because the other one is “live” and shocked the pharmacist. Isn’t the opposite of live, dead?

Hopefully if I get flu like symptoms they won’t be too bad. I really hate being sick and just the thought of being sick makes me want to cry.

I changed my breakfast from toast to cereal and milk and am able to take the Zoloft now without getting nauseous. I wonder how long it will take to work and will I know it’s working?

My back still hurts but it’s getting better. I still have to be careful with what I do but it should heal.

I am so tired of being sick or hurt.

Finally broke down and asked my GP for some anti-anxiety meds. He asked me if I was depressed. Am I? I don’t feel like I am but who am I to diagnose that. All I know is I couldn’t take the knot in my stomach anymore and the panic that accompanied any thought that included leaving my apartment, driving, shopping, cancer, visiting with people, even taking this new drug…basically life.

I kept thinking I could get a handle on this on my own but too much has happened to me and around me that is so overwhelming. Too many deaths of people and pets I know on top of living with MBC and never knowing when it will take over my body again. Hurting my back. COVID. Couldn’t take it on my own anymore.

Zoloft covers panic attacks, anxiety, PTSD, OCD and depression and I took the first one today. Please work your magic.